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"Abe" Lincoln's 



Anecdotes and Stories 



A COLLECTION OF THE BEST 
STORIES TOLD BY LINCOLN 
WHICH MADE HIM FAMOUS AS 

AMERICAN BEST STORY TELLER 



Compiled by 
R. D. WORDSWORTH 



THE MUTUAL BOOK COMPANY 

Publishers 
BOSTON, MASS. 






COMPILED, 1908, 
FOR 

The Mutual Book Company 



"ABE" LINCOLN'S 

ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



A FUN-LOVING AND HUMOR-LOVING MAN 

It was once said of Shakespeare that the great mind 
that conceived the tragedies of " Hamlet, " "Macbeth," 
etc., would have lost its reason if it had not found vent 
in the sparkling humor of such comedies as "The Merry 
Wives of Windsor" and "The Comedy of Errors. " 

The great strain on the mind of Abraham Lincoln 
produced by four years of civil war might likewise 
have overcome his reason had it not found vent in the 
yarns and stories he constantly told. No more fun- 
loving or humor-loving man than Abraham Lincoln 
ever lived. He enjoyed a joke even when it was on 
himself, and probably, while he got his greatest enjoy- 
ment from telling stories, he had a keen appreciation 
of the humor in those that were told him. 

MATRIMONIAL ADVICE 

For a while during the Civil War, General Fremont 
was without a command. One day in discussing Fre- 
mont's case with George W. Julian,- President Lincoln 
said he did not know where to place him, and that it 
reminded him of the old man who advised his son to 
take a wife, to which the young man responded; "All 
right; whose wife shall I take?" 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



A SLOW HORSE 

On one occasion when Mr. Lincoln was going to 
attend a political Convention one of his rivals, a livery- 
man, provided him with a slow horse, hoping that he 
would not reach his destination in time. Mr. Lincoln 
got there, however, and when he returned with the 
horse he said: " You keep this horse for funerals, don't 
you?" "Oh, no," replied the liveryman. "Well, Fm 
glad of that, for if you did you'd never get a corpse to 
the grave in time for the resurrection. " 

A VAIN GENERAL 

In an interview between President Lincoln and 
Petroleum V. Nasby, the name came up of a recently 
deceased politician of Illinois whose merit was blem- 
ished by great vanity. His funeral was very largely 
attended. 

"If General had known how big a funeral 

he would have had/' said Mr. Lincoln, "he would have 
died years ago. " 

HAD CONFIDENCE IN HIM— "BUT" — 

"General Blank asks for more men," said Secretary 
of War Stanton to the President one day, showing the 
latter a telegram from the Commander named, appeal- 
ing for re-enforcements. 

"I guess he's killed off enough men, hasn't he?" 
queried the President. "I don't mean Confederates — 
our own men. What's the use in sending volunteers 
down to him if they're only used to fill graves?" 

"His dispatch seems to imply that, in his opinion, 
you have not the confidence in him he thinks he de- 
serves," the War Secretary went on to say, as he looked 
over the telegram again. 

"Oh, " was the President's reply, "he needn't lose 
any of his sleep on that account. Just telegraph him 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



to that effect; also, that I don't propose to send him 
any more men. " 

HARDTACK BETTER THAN GENERALS 

Secretary of War Stanton told the President the 
following story, which greatly amused the latter, as he 
was especially fond of a joke at the expense of some high 
military or civil \dignitary. 

Stanton had little or no sense of humor. 

When Secretary Stanton was making a trip up the 
Broad River in North Carolina, in a tugboat, a Federal 
picket yelled out, "What have you got on board of 
that tug?" 

The severe and dignified answer was, "The Secre- 
tary of War and Major-General Foster. " 

Instantly the picket roared back, "We've got 
major- generals enough up here. Why don't you bring 
us up some hardtack?" 

DOUGLAS HELD LINCOLN'S HAT 

When Mr. Lincoln delivered his first inaugural he 
was introduced by his friend, United States Senator 
E. D. Baker, of Oregon. He carried a cane and a little 
roll — the manuscript of his inaugural address. There 
was a moment's pause after the introduction, as he 
vainly looked for a Spot where he might place his high 
silk hat. 

Stephen A. Douglas, the political antagonist of his 
whole public life, the man who had pressed him hardest 
in the campaign of 1860, was seated just behind him. 
Douglas stepped forward quickly, and took the hat 
which Mr. Lincoln held helplessly in his hand. 

"If I can't be President," Douglas whispered 
smilingly to Mrs. Brown, a cousin of Mrs. Lincoln and 
a member of the President 's party, "I at least can hold 
his hat." 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



HIS PASSES TO RICHMOND NOT HONORED 

A man called upon the President and solicited a 
pass for Richmond. 

"Well," said the President, "I would be very 
happy to oblige, if my passes were respected; but the 
fact is, sir, I have, within the past two years, given 
passes to two hundred and fifty thousand men to go to 
Richmond, and not one has got there yet." 

The applicant quietly and respectfully withdrew 
on his tiptoes. 

LINCOLN AS A DANCER 

Lincoln made his first appearance in society when 
he was first sent to Springfield, 111., as a member of the 
State Legislature. It was not an imposing figure which 
he cut in a ballroom, but still he was occasionally to be 
found there. Miss Mary Todd, who afterward became 
his wife, was the magnet which drew the tall, awkward 
young man from his den. One evening Lincoln ap- 
proached Miss Todd, and said, in his peculiar idiom: 

"Miss Todd, I should like to dance with you the 
worst w T ay. " 

The young woman accepted the inevitable, and 
hobbled around the room with him. When she returned 
to her wSeat, one of her companions asked mischievously: 

"Well, Mary, did he dance with you the worst 
way?" 

"Yes," she answered, "the very worst." 

LOVED SOLDIERS' HUMOR 

Lincoln loved anything that savored of wit or 
humor among the soldiers. He used to relate two 
stories to show, he said, that neither death nor danger 
could quench the grim humor of the American soldier: 

"A soldier of the Army of the Potomac was being 
carried to the rear of battle with both legs shot off, who, 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 7 

seeing a pie-woman, called out, 'Say, old lady, are them 
pies sewed or pegged?' 

4 'And there was another one of the soldiers at the 
battle of Chancellorsville, whose regiment, waiting to 
be called into the fight, was taking coffee. The hero 
of the story put to his lips a crockery mug which he 
had carried with care through several campaigns. A 
stray bullet, just missing the drinker's head, dashed 
the mug into fragments and left only the handle on 
his finger. Turning his head in that direction, he 
scowled, 'Johnny, you can't do that agarn!'" 

WANTED TO "BORROW" THE ARMY 

During one of the periods when things were at a 
standstill, the Washington authorities, being unable to 
force General McClellan to assume an aggressive atti- 
tude, President Lincoln went to the general's head- 
quarters to have a talk with him, but for some reason 
he was unable to get an audience. 

Mr. Lincoln returned to the White House much 
disturbed at his failure to see the Commander of the 
Union forces, and immediately sent for tw r o general 
officers, to have a consultation. On their arrival, he 
told them he must have some one to talk to about the 
Situation, and as he had failed to see General McClellan, 
he wished their views as to the possibility or probability 
of commencing active Operations with the Army of the 
Potomac. 

"Something's got to be done," said the President, 
emphatically, "and done right away, or the bottom will 
fall out of the whole thing. Now, if McClellan doesn't 
want to use the army for a while, Fd like to borrow it 
from him and see if I can't do something or other 
with it. 

"If McClellan can't fish, he ought at least to be 
cutting bait at a time like this. " 



8 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



"FIXED UP" A BIT FOR THE "CITY FOLKS" 

Mrs. Lincoln knew her husband was not "pretty," 
but she liked to have him presentable when he appeared 
before the public. Stephen Fiske, in "When Lincoln 
Was First Inaugurated," teils of Mrs. Lincoln's anxiety 
to have the President-elect "smoothed down" a little 
when receiving a delegation that was to greet them 
upon reaching New York City. 

"The train stopped," writes Mr. Fiske, "and 
through the Windows immense crowds could be seen; 
the cheering drowning the blowing off of steam of the 
locomotive. Then Mrs. Lincoln opened her handbag 
and said: 

"'Abraham, I must fix you up a bit for these city 
folks. ' 

"Mr. Lincoln gently lifted her upon the seat before 
him; she parted, combed and brushed his hair and 
arranged his black necktie. 

"'Do I look nice now, mother?' he affectionately 
asked. 

'"Well, you'll do, Abraham,' replied Mrs. Lincoln 
critically. So he kissed her and lifted her down from 
the seat, and turned to meet Mayor Wood, courtly and 
suave, and to have his hand shaken by the other New 
York officials. " 

"FIND OUT FOR YOURSELVES" 

"Several of us lawyers," remarked one of his 
colleagues, "in the eastern end of the circuit, annoyed 
Lincoln once while he was holding court for Davis by 
attempting to defend against a note to which there were 
many makers. We had no legal, but a good moral 
defense, but what we wanted most of all was to stave 
it off tili the next term of court by one expedient or 
another. 

"We bothered 'the court' about it tili late on 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



Saturday, the day of adjournment. He adjourned for 
supper with nothing left but this case to dispose of. 
After supper he heard our twaddle for nearly an hour, 
and then made this odd entry: 

"'L. D. Chaddon vs. J. D. Beasley et al., April 
Term, 1856. Champaign County Court. Pleainabate- 
ment by B. Z. Green, a defendant not served, filed 
Saturday at 11 o'clock a.m., April 24, 1856, stricken 
from the files by order of court. Demurrer to declara- 
tion, if there ever was one, overruled. Defendants who 
are served now, at 8 o'clock p.m., of the last day of the 
term, ask to plead to the merits, which is denied by the 
court on the ground that the off er comes too late, and 
therefore, as by nil dicet, judgment is rendered for Pl'ff. 
Clerk assess damages. A. Lincoln, Judge pro tem. ' 

"The lawyer who reads this singular entry will 
appreciate its oddity if no one eise does. After making 
it, one of the lawyers, on recovering from his astonish- 
ment, ventured to inquire: 'Well, Lincoln, how can 
we get this case up again?' 

"Lincoln eyed him quizzically for a moment, and 
then answered, 'You have all been so mighty smart 
about this case, you can find out how to take it up 
again yourselves. ' " 

COLD MOLASSES WAS SWIFTER 

"Old Pap," as the soldiers called General George 
H. Thomas, was aggravatingly slow at a time when the 
President wanted him to "get a move on"; in fact, 
the gallant "Rock of Chickamauga" was evidently 
entered in a snail-race. 

"Some of my generals are so slow," regretfully 
remarked Lincoln one day, "that molasses in the coldest 
days of winter is a race horse compared to them. 

"They're brave enough, but somehow or other they 
get fastened in a fence corner. and can't figure their 
wav out." 



io ANECDOTES AND STORIBS 

"DON'T KILL HIM WITH YOUR FIST" 

Ward Lamon, Marshai of the District of Columbia 
during Lincoln 's time in Washington, was a powerful 
man; his strength was phenomenal, and a blow from 
his fist was like unto that Coming from the business 
end of a sledge. 

Lamon teils this story, the hero of which is not 
mentioned by name, but in all probability his identity 
can be guessed: 

"On one occasion, when the fears of the loyal de- 
ment of the city (Washington) were excited to fever- 
heat, a free fight near the old National Theatre occurred 
about eleven o'clock one night. An officer, in passing 
the place, observed what was going on, and seeing the 
great number of persons engaged, he feit it to be his 
duty to command the peace. 

"The imperative tone of his voice stopped the 
fighting for a moment, but the leader, a great bully, 
roughly pushed back the officer and told him to go 
away or he would whip him. The officer again advanced 
and said, T arrest you, ' attempting to place his hand on 
the man's Shoulder, when the bully Struck a fearful 
blow at the officer's face. 

"This was parried, and instantly followed by a 
blow from the fist of the officer, striking the fellow 
under the chin and knocking him senseless. Blood 
issued from his mouth, nose and ears. It was believed 
that the man's neck was broken. A surgeon was called, 
who pronounced the case a critical one, and the wounded 
man was hurried away on a litter to the hospital. 

"There the physicians said there was concussion 
of the brain, and that the man would die. All the 
medical skill the officer could procure was employed in 
the hope of saving the life of the man.. His conscience 
smote him for having, as he believed, taken the life of 
a fellow-creature, and he was inconsolable. 

"Being on terms of intimacy with the President, 



ANBCDOTES AND STOR/BS 1 1 



about two o'clock that night the officer went to the 
White House, woke up Mr. Lincoln, and requested him 
to come into his office, where he told him his story. 
Mr. Lincoln listened with great interest until the narra- 
tive was completed, and then asked a few questions, 
after which he remarked: 

"'I am sorry you had to kill the man, but these are 
times of war, and a great many men deserve killing. 
This one, according to your story, is one of them; so 
give yoursei no uneasiness about the matter. I will 
stand by you. ' 

"'That is not why I came to you. I knew I did 
my duty, and had no fears of your disapproval of what 
I did,' replied the officer; and then he added: 'Why I 
came to you was, I feit great grief over the unfortunate 
affair, and I wanted to talk to you about it. ' , 

"Mr. Lincoln then said, with a smile, placing his 
hand on the officer's Shoulder: 'You go home now and 
get some sleep ; but let me give you this piece of advice — 
hereafter, when you have occasion to strike a man, don't 
hit him with your fist; strike him with a club, a crow- 
bar, or with something that won't kill him.'" 

"AND— HERB I AM!" 

An old acquaintance of the President visited him 
in Washington. Lincoln desired to give him a place. 
Thus encouraged, the visitor, who was an honest man, 
but wholly inexperienced in public affairs or business, 
asked for a high office, Superintendent of the Mint. 

The President was aghast, and said: "Good gra- 
cious! Why didn't he ask to be the Secretary of the 
Treasury, and have done with it?" 

Afterward, he said: "Well, now, I never thought 

Mr. had anything more than average ability, 

when we were young men together. But, then, I suppose 
he thought the same thing about me, and — here I am!" 



i2 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 

PRAISES HIS RIVAL FOR OFFICE 

When Mr. Lincoln was a candidate for the Legis- 
lative, it was the practice at that date in Illinois for 
two rival candidates to travel over the district together. 
The custom led to much good-natured raillery between 
them; and in such contests Lincoln was rarely, if ever, 
worsted. He could even turn the generosity of a rival 
to account by his whimsical treatment. 

On one occasion, says Mr. Weir, a former resident 
of Sangamon county, he had driven out from Spring- 
field in Company with a political Opponent to engage in 
Joint debate. The carriage, it seems, belonged to his 
Opponent. In addressing the gathering of farmers that 
met them, Lincoln was lavish in praise of the generosity 
of his friend. 

"I am too poor to own a carriage," he said, "but 
my friend has generously invited me to ride with him. 
I want you to vote for me if you will; but if not, then 
vote for my Opponent, for he is a fine man. " 

His extravagant and persistent praise of his Oppo- 
nent appealed to the sense of humor in his rural audi- 
ence, to whom his inability to own a carriage was by 
no means a disqualification. 

HAD TO WAIT FOR HIM 

President Lincoln, having arranged to go to New 
York, was late for his train, much to the disgust of 
those who were to accompany him, and all were com- 
pelled to wait several hours until the next train steamed 
out of the Station. President Lincoln was much amused 
at the dissatisfaction displayed, and then ventured the 
remark that the Situation reminded him of "a little 
story." Said he: 

"Out in Illinois, a convict who had murdered his 
cellmate was sentenced to be hanged. On the day set 
for the execution, crowds lined the roads leading to the 



ANECDOTES AND STORIBS 13 



spot where the scaffold had been erected, and there was 
much jostling and excitement. The condemned man 
took matters coolly, and as one batch of perspiring, 
anxious men rushed past the cart in which he was 
riding, he called out, 'Don't be in a hurry, boys. You've 
got plenty of time. There won't be any fun until I 
get there. ' 

"That's the condition of things now," concluded 
the President; "there won't be any fun at New York 
until I get there." 

MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF IT, ANYWAY 

From the day of his nomination by the Chicago 
Convention, gifts poured in upon Lincoln. Many of 
these came in the form of wearing apparel. Mr. George 
Lincoln, of Brooklyn, who brought to Springfield, in 
January, 1861, a handsome silk hat to the President- 
elect, the gift of a New York hatter, told some friends 
that in receiving the hat Lincoln laughed heartily over 
the gifts of clothing, and remarked to Mrs. Lincoln: 
"Well, wife, if nothing eise comes out of this scrape, 
we are going to have some new clothes, are we not? 



:ape, / 

v/ 



SORRY FOR THE HORSES 

When President Lincoln heard of the Confederate 
raid at Fairfax, in which a brigadier-general and a 
number of valuable horses were captured, he gravely 
observed: 

"Well, I am sorry for the horses." 

"Sorry for the horses, Mr. President!" exclaimed 
the Secretary of War, raising his spectacles and throw- 
ing himself back in his chair in astonishment. 

"Yes," replied Mr. Lincoln, "I can make a briga- 
dier-general in five minutes, but it is not easy to replace 
a hundred and ten horses." 



i 4 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



NOISE LIKE A TURNIP 

"Every man has his own peculiar and particular 
way of getting at and doing things, " said President 
Lincoln one day, "and he is often criticised because that 
way is not the one adopted by others. The great idea 
is to accomplish what you set out to do. When a man 
is successful in whatever he attempts, he has many 
imitators, and the methods used are not so closely 
scrutinized, although no man who is of good intent will 
resort to mean, underhanded, scurvy tricks. 

"That reminds me of a fellow out in Illinois, who 
had better luck in getting prairie chickens than any one 
in the neighborhood. He had a rusty old gun no other 
man dared to handle; he never seemed to exert himself, 
being listless and indifferent when out after game, but 
he always brought home all the chickens he could carry, 
while some of the others, with their finely trained dogs 
and latest improved fowling-pieces, came home alone. 

"'How is it, Jake?' inquired one sportsman, who, 
although a good shot, and knew something about hunt- 
ing, was often unfortunate, 'that you never come home 
without a lot of birds?' 

"Jake grinned, half closed his eyes, and replied: 
'Oh, I don't know that there's anything queer about it. 
I jes' go ahead an' git 'em. ' 

"'Yes, I know vou do; but how do you do it?' 

"'You'll teil.' 

"'Honest, Jake, I won't say a word. Hope to drop 
dead this minute. ' 

"'Never say nothing, if I teil you?' 

"'Cross my heart three times. ' 

"This reassured Jake, who put his mouth close to 
the ear of his eager questioner, and said, in a whisper: 

"'All you got to do is jes' to hide in a fence corner 
an' make a noise like a turnip. That'll bring the chick- 
ens every time. '" 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 15 



LET SIX SKUNKS GO 

The President had decided to select a new War 
Minister, and the leading Republican Senators thought 
the occasion was opportune to change the whole seven 
Cabinet ministers. They, therefore, earnestly advised 
him to make a clean sweep, and select seven new men, 
and so restore the waning confidence of the country. 

The President listened with patient courtesy, and 
when the Senators had concluded, he said, with a 
characteristic gleam of humor in his eye: 

"Gentlemen, your request for a change of the 
whole Cabinet because I have made one change reminds 
me of a story I once heard in Illinois, of a farmer who 
was much troubled by skunks. His wife insisted on 
his trying to get rid of them. 

"He loaded his shotgun one moonlight night and 
awaited developments. After some time the wife heard 
the shotgun go off, and in a few minutes the farmer 
entered the house. 

"'What luck have you?' asked she. 

"'I hid myself behind the wood-pile,' said the old 
man, 'with the shotgun pointed towards the hen roost, 
and before long there appeared not one skunk, but seven. 
I took aim, blazed away, killed one, and he raised such 
a fearful smell that I concluded it was best to let the 
other six go.'" 

The Senators laughed and retired. 



ONE THING "ABE" DIDN'T LOVE 

Lincoln admitted that he was not particularly 
energetic when it came to real hard work. 

"My father," said he one day, "taught me how to 
work, but not to love it. I never did like to work, and 
I don't deny it. I'd rather read, teil stories, crack jokes, 
talk, laugh — anything but work. " 



i6 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



THE MAN HE WAS LOOKING FOR 

Judge Kelly, of Pennsylvania, who was one of the 
committee to advise Lincoln of his nomination, and who 
was himself a great many feet high, had been eyeing 
Lincoln's lofty form with a mixture of admiration and 
possibly jealousy. 

This had not escaped Lincoln, and as he shook 
hands with the judge he inquired, " What is your height ?" 

"Six feet three. What is yours, Mr. Lincoln?" 

"Six feet four. " 

"Then," said the judge, " Pennsylvania bows to 
Illinois. My dear man, for years my heart has been 
aching for a President that I could look up to, and 
I've at last found him. " 



WANTED STANTON SPANKED 

Old Dennis Hanks was sent to Washington at one 
time by persons interested in securing the release from 
jail of several men accused of being copperheads. It 
was thought Old Dennis might have some influence 
with the President. 

The latter heard Dennis' story and then said: "I 
w r ill send for Mr. Stanton. It is his business. " 

Secretary Stanton came into the room, stormed up 
and down, and said the men ought to be punished more 
than they were. Mr. Lincoln sat quietly in his chair 
and waited for the tempest to subside, and then quietly 
said to Stanton he would like to have the papers next 
day. 

When he had gone, Dennis said: 

"'Abe,' if I was as big and as ugly as you are, I 
would take him over my knee and spank him. " 

The President replied: "No, Stanton is an able 
and valuable man for this Nation, and I am glad to 
bear his anger for the Service he can give the Nation." 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES i 7 



SIX FEET FOUR AT SEVENTEEN 

"Abe's" school teacher, Crawford, endeavored to 
teach his pupils some of the manners of the "polite 
society" of Indiana — 1823 or so. This was a part of 
his System: 

One of the pupils would retire, and then come in 
as a stranger, and another pupil would have to introduce 
him to all the members of the school in what was con- 
sidered "good manners." 

As "Abe" wore a linsey-woolsey shirt, buckskin 
breeches which were too short and very tight, and low 
shoes, and was tall and awkward, he no doubt created 
considerable merriment when his turn came. He was 
growing at a fearful rate; he was fifteen years of age, 
and two years later attained his füll height of six feet 
four inches. 

JUST LIKE SEWARD 

The first corps of the army commanded by General 
Reynolds was once reviewed by the President on a 
beautiful piain at the north of Potomac Creek, about 
eight miles from Hooker's headquarters. The party 
rode thither in an ambulance over a rough corduroy 
road, and as they passed over some of the more difficult 
portions of the jolting way the ambulance driver, who 
sat well in front, occasionally let fly a volley of sup- 
pressed oaths at his wild team of six mules. 

Finally, Mr. Lincoln, leaning forward, touched the 
man on the Shoulder and said: 

"Excuse me, my friend, are you an Episcopalian?" 
The man, greatly startled, looked around and 
replied: 

"No, Mr. President; I am a Methodist." 
"Well," said Lincoln, "I thought you must be an 
Episcopalian, because you swear just like Governor 
Seward, who is a church warden. " 



i8 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



"ABE" GOT THE WORST OF IT 

When Lincoln was a young lawyer in Illinois, he 
and a certain judge once got to bantering one another 
about trading horses; and it was agreed that the next 
morning at nine o'clock they should make a trade, the 
horses to be unseen up to that hour, and no backing out, 
under a forfeiture of $25. At the hour appointed, the 
Judge came up, leading the sorriest-looking specimen of 
a horse ever seen in those parts. In a few minutes Mr. 
Lincoln was seen approaching with a wooden saw-horse 
upon his Shoulders. 

Great were the shouts and laughter of the crowd, 
and both were greatly increased when Lincoln, on sur- 
veying the Judge's animal, set down his saw-horse and 
exclaimed : 

"Well, Judge, this is the first time I ever got the 
worst of it in a horse trade. " 

HE "SET 'EM UP" 

Immediately after Mr. Lincoln 's nomination for 
President at the Chicago Convention, a Committee, of 
which Governor Morgan, of New York, was chairman, 
visited him in Springfield, 111., where he was officially 
informed of his nomination. 

After this ceremony had passed, Mr. Lincoln re- 
marked to the Company that as a fit ending to an inter- 
view so important and interesting as that which had just 
taken place, he supposed good manners would require 
that he should treat the committee with something to 
drink; and opening the door that led into the rear, he 
called out, "Mary! Mary!" A girl responded to the 
call, to whom Mr. Lincoln spoke a few words in an 
undertone, and, closing the door, returned again and 
talked with his guests. In a few minutes the maid 
entered, bearing a large waiter, containing several glass 
tumblers, and a large pitcher, and placed them upon the 



ANECDOTBS AND STORIES 19 

center-table. Mr. Lincoln arose, and gravely address- 
ing the Company, said: "Gentlemen, we must pledge 
our mutual health in the most healthy beverage that 
God has given to man — it is the only beverage I have 
ever used or allowed my family to use, and I cannot 
conscientiously depart from it on the present occasion. 
It is pure Adam's ale from the spring. " And, taking 
the tumbler, he touched it to his Ups, and pledged them 
his highest respects in a cup of cold water. Of course, 
all his guests admired his consistency, and joined in 
his example. 

GOD WITH A LITTLE "g" 

Abraham Lincoln 

his hand and pen 
he will be good 

but god Knows When 
These lines were found written in young Lincoln's 
own hand at the bottom of a page whereon he had been 
ciphering. Lincoln always wrote a clear, regulär "fist." 
In this instance he evidently did not appreciate the 
sacredness of the name of the Deity, when he used a 
little "g." 

Lincoln once said he did not remember the time 
when he could not write. 

WHAT AILED THE BOYS 

Mr. Roland Diller, who was one of Mr. Lincoln's 
neighbors in Springfield, teils the following: 

I was called to the door one day by the cries of 
children in the street, and there was Mr. Lincoln, strid- 
ing by with two of his boys, both of whom were wailing 
aloud. 'Why, Mr. Lincoln, what's the matter with the 
boys?' I asked. ♦ 

"'Just what's the matter with the whole World, 1 
Lincoln replied. Tve got three walnuts, and each 
wants two'." 



20 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 

"MAJOR-GENERAL, I RECKON" 

At one time the President had the appointment of 
a large additional number of brigadier and major-gener- 
als. Among the immense number of applications, Mr. 
Lincoln came upon one wherein the Claims of a certain 
worthy (not in the Service at all) "for a generalship" 
were glowingly set forth. But the applicant didn't 
specify whether he wanted to be brigadier or major- 
general. 

The President observed this difficulty, and solved 
it by a lucid indorsement. The clerk, on receiving the 
paper again, found written across its back, "Major- 
General, I reckon. A. Lincoln." 

IT TICKLED THE LITTLE WOMAN 

Lincoln had been in the telegraph office at Spring- 
field during the casting of the first and second bailots 
in the Republican National Convention at Chicago, and 
then left and went over to the office of the State Journal, 
where he was sitting conversing with friends while the 
third ballot was being taken. 

In a few moments came across the wires the an- 
nouncement of the result. The Superintendent of the 
telegraph Company wrote on a scrap of paper: "Mr. 
Lincoln, you are nominated on the third ballot, " and 
a boy ran with the message to Lincoln. 

He looked at it in silence, amid the shouts of those 
around him; then rising and putting it in his pocket, 
he said quietly: "There's a little woman down at our 
house would like to hear this; 111 go down and teil her." 

HE'D SEE IT AGAIN 

About two years before Lincoln was nominated for 
the Presidency he went to Bloomington, Illinois, to 
try a case of some importance. His Opponent — who 
afterward reached a high place in his profession — was 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



21 



a young man of ability, sensible but sensitive, and one 
to whom the loss of a case was a great blow. He there- 
fore studied hard and made much preparation. 

This particular case was submitted to the Jury late 
at night, and, although anticipating a favorable verdict, 
the young attorney spent a sleepless night in anxiety. 
Early next morning he learned, to his great chagrin, 
that he had lost the case. 

Lincoln met him at the court-house some time after 
the Jury had come in, and asked him what had become 
of his case. 

With lugubrious countenance and in a melancholy 
tone the young man replied, "It's gone to hell." 

"Oh, well," replied Lincoln, "then you will see it 
again. " 



SURE CURE FOR BOILS 

President Lincoln and Postmaster-General Blair 
were talking of the war. "Blair," said the President, 
" did you ever know that fright has sometimes proven a 
eure for boils?" "No, Mr. President, how is that?" 
"111 teil you. Not long ago when a colonel, with his 
cavalry, was at the front, and the Rebs were making 
things rat her lively for us, the colonel was ordered out 
to a reconnoissance. He was troubled at the time with 
a big boil where it made horseback riding decidedly 
uncomfortable. He finally dismounted and ordered 
the troops forward without him. Soon he was startled 
by the rapid reports of pistols and the helter-skelter 
approach of his troops in füll retreat before a yelling 
rebel force. He forgot everything but the yells, sprang 
into his saddle, and made capital time over the fences 
and ditches tili safe within the lines. The pain from 
his boil was gone, and the boil too, and the colonel 
swore that there was no eure for boils so sure as fright 
from rebel yells." 



22 ANBCDOTBS AND STORIES 



JUSTICE vs. NUMBERS 

Lincoln was constantly bothered by members of 
delegations of "goody-goodies, " who knew all about 
running the War, but had no inside Information as to 
what was going on. Yet they poured out their advice 
in streams, until the President was heartily sick of the 
whole business, and wished the War would find some 
way to kill off these nuisances. 

"How many men have the Confederates now in 
the field?" asked one of these bores one day. 

1 ' About one million two hundred thousand, " replied 
the President. 

"Oh, my! Not so manv as that, surely, Mr. Lin- 
coln." 

"They have fully twelve hundred thousand, no 
doubt of it. You see, all of our generals when they 
get whipped say the enemy outnumbers them from three 
or five to one, and I must believe them. We have four 
hundred thousand men in the field, and three times 
four make twelve, — don't you see it? It is as piain to 
be seen as the nose on a man's face; and at the rate 
things are now going, with the great amount of specu- 
lation and the small crop of fighting, it will take a long 
time to overcome twelve hundred thousand rebels in 
arms. 

"If they can get subsistence they have everything 
eise, except a just cause. Yet it is said that 'thrice is 
he armed that hath his quarrel just. ' I am willing, 
however, to risk our advantage of thrice in justice 
against their thrice in numbers." 

LINCOLN SAW STANTON ABOUT IT 

Mr. Lovejoy, heading a committee of Western men, 
discussed an important scheme with the President, and 
the gentlemen were then directed to explain it to Secre- 
tary of War Stanton. 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 23 

Upon presenting themselves to the Secretary, and 
showing the President 's order, the Secretary said: "Did 
Lincoln give you an order of that kind?" 

"He did, sir. " 

"Then he is a d — d fool, " said the angry Secretary. 

"Do you mean to say that the President is a d — d 
fool?" asked Lovejoy in amazement. 

" Yes, sir, if he gave you such an order as that. " 

The bewildered Illinoisan betook himself at once 
to the President and related the result of the Conference. 

"Did Stanton say I was a d — d fool?" asked Lin- 
coln at the close of the recital. 

"He did, sir, and repeated it." 

After a moment's pause, and looking up, the Presi- 
dent said: "If Stanton said I was a d — d fool, then I 
must be one, for he is nearly always right, and gener- 
ally says what he means. I will slip over and see him." 

SLEEP STANDING UP 

McClellan was a thorn in Lincoln 's side — "always 
up in the air, " as the President put it — and yet he 
hesitated to remove him. "The Young Napoleon'' was 
a good Organizer, but no fighter. Lincoln sent him 
everything necessary in the way of men, ammunition, 
artillery and equipments, but he was forever unready. 

Instead of making a forward movement at the time 
expected, he would notify the President that he must 
have more men. These were given him as rapidly as 
possible, and then would come a demand for more 
horses, more this and that, usually winding up with a 
demand for still "more men." 

Lincoln bore it all in patience for a long time, but 
one day, when he had received another request for more 
men, he made a vigorous protest. 

"If I gave McClellan all the men he asks for," said 
the President, "they couldn't find room to lie down. 
They'd have to sleep standing up. " 



24 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



"ABE'S" LITTLE JOKE 

When General W. T. Sherman, November I2th, 
1864, severed all communication with the North and 
started for Savannah with his magnificent army of 
sixty thousand men, there was much anxiety for a 
month as to his whereabouts. President Lincoln, in 
response to an inquiry, said: "I know what hole Sher- 
man went in at, but I don't know what hole hell come 
out at. " 

Colonel McClure had been in consultation w r ith the 
President one day, about two weeks after Sherman's 
disappearance, and in this connection related this 
incident: 

"I was leaving the room, and just as I reached the 
door the President turned around, and, with a merry 
twinkling of the eye, inquired, 'McClure, wouldn't you 
like to hear something from Sherman?' 

"The inquiry electrified me at the instant, as it 
seemed to imply that Lincoln had some information on 
the subject. I immediately answered, 'Yes, most of all, 
I should like to hear from Sherman. ' 

"To this President Lincoln answered, with a hearty 
laugh: 'Well, 111 be hanged if I wouldn't myself'." 



HOW "FIGHTING JOE" WAS APPOINTED 

General "Joe" Hooker, the fourth Commander of 
the noble but unfortunate Army of the Potomac, was 
appointed to that position by President Lincoln in 
January, 1863. General Scott, for some reason, dis- 
liked Hooker and would not appoint him. Hooker, 
after some months of discouraging waiting, decided to 
return to California, and called to pay his respects to 
President Lincoln. He was introduced as Captain 
Hooker, and to the surprise of the President began the 
following Speech: 



ANECDOTES ÄND STORIES 25 

4 'Mr. President, my friend makes a mistake. I am 
not Captain Hooker, but was once Lieutenant-Colonel 
Hooker of the regulär army. I was lately a farmer in 
California, but since the Rebellion broke out I have been 
trying to get into Service, but I find I am not wanted. 

"I am about to return home; but before going, I 
was anxious to pay my respects to you, and express my 
wishes for your personal welfare and success in quelling 
this Rebellion. And I want to say to you a word more. 

"I was at Bull Run the other day, Mr. President, 
and it is no vanity in me to say, I am a darned sight 
better general than you had on the field. " 

This was said, not in the tone of a braggart, but of 
a man who knew what he was talking about. Hooker 
did not return to California, but in a few weeks Captain 
Hooker received from the President a commission as 
Brigadier-General Hooker. 

NO OTHERS LIKE THEM 

^r^One day an old lady from the country called on ' 
J2*esiTtent Lincoln, her tanned face peering up to his 
through a pair of spectacles. Her errand was to present 
Mr. Lincoln a pair of stockings of her own make a yard 
long. Kind tears came to his eyes as she spoke to him, 
and then, holding the stockings one in each hand, 
dangling wide apart for general inspection, he assured 
her that he should take them with him to Washington, 
where (and here his eyes twinkled) he was sure he should 
not be able to find any like them. 

Quite a number of well-known men were in the 
room with the President when the old lady made her 
presentation. Among them was George S. Boutwell, 
who afterwards became Secretary of the Treasury. 

The amusement of the Company was not at all 
diminished by Mr. Boutwell's remark, that the lady had 
evidently made a very correct estimate of Mr. Lincoln 's 
latitude and longitude. 



26 ANECDOTES AND STOR/ES 



THE DANDY AND THE BOYS 

President Lincoln appointed as consul to a South 
American country a young man from Ohio who was a 
dandy. A wag met the new appointee on his way to 
the White House to thank the President. He was 
dressed in the most extravagant style. The wag 
horrified him by telling him that the country to which 
he was assigned was noted chiefly for the bugs that 
abounded there and made life unbearable. 

"They '11 bore a hole clean through you before a 
week has passed," was the comforting assurance of the 
wag as they parted at the White House steps. The 
new consul approached Lincoln with disappointment 
clearly written all over his face. Instead of joyously 
thanking the President, he told him the wag's story of 
the bugs. "I am informed, Mr. President," he said, 
* ' that the place is füll of vermin and that they could eat 
me up in a week's time." "Well, young man/' replied 
Lincoln, "if that 's true, all Fve got to say is that if 
such a thing happened they would leave a mighty good 
suit of clothes behind. " 

BOAT HAD TO STOP 

Lincoln never failed to take part in all political 
campaigns in Illinois, as his reputation as a Speaker 
caused his Services to be in great demand. As was 
natural, he was often the target at which many of the 
" Smart Alecks" of that period shot their feeble bolts, 
but Lincoln was so ready with his answers that few of 
them cared to engage him a second time. 

In one campaign Lincoln was frequently annoyed 
by a young man who entertained the idea that he was 
a born orator. He had a loud voice, was füll of lan- 
guage, and so conceited that he could not understand 
why the people did not recognize and appreciate his 
abilities. 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 27 

This callow politician delighted in interrupting 
public Speakers, and at last Lincoln determined to 
squelch him. One night while addressing a large meet- 
ing at Springfield, the fellow became so offensive that 
"Abe" dropped the threads of his Speech and turned 
his attention to the tormentor. 

"I don't object, " said Lincoln/* to being interrupted 
with sensible questions, but I must say that my boister- 
ous friend does not always make inquiries which properly 
come under that head. He says he is afflicted with 
headaches, at which I don't wonder, as it is a well-known 
fact that nature abhors a vacuum, and takes her own 
way of demonstrating it. 

"This noisy friend reminds me of a certain steam- 
boat that used to run on the Illinois River. It was 
an energetic boat, was always busy. When they built 
it, however, they made one serious mistake, this error 
being in the relative sizes of the boiler and the whistle. 
The latter was usually busy too, and people were aware 
that it was in existence. 

"This particular boiler to which I have reference 
was a six-foot one, and did all that was required of it in 
the way of pushing the boat along; but as the builders 
of the vessel had made the whistle a six-foot one, the 
consequence was that every time the whistle blew the 
boat had to stop." 

RAN AWAY WHEN VICTORIOUS 

Three or four days after the battle of Bull Run, 
some gentlemen who had been on the field called upon 
the President. 

He inquired very minutely regarding all the cir- 
cumstances of the affair, and, after listening with the 
utmost attention, said, with a touch of humor: 

"So it is your notion that we whipped the rebels 
and then ran awa}^ from them!" 



28 ANECDOTES AND STOR/ES 



HE "SKEWED" THE LINE 

When a surveyor, Mr. Lincoln first platted the 
town of Petersburg, 111. Some twenty or thirty years 
afterward the property-owners along one of the outly- 
ing streets had trouble in fixing their boundaries. They 
consulted the offlcial plat and got no relief. A committee 
was sent to Springfield to consult the distinguished sur- 
veyor, but he failed to recall anything that would give 
them aid, and could only refer them to the record. 
The dispute therefore went into the courts. While the 
trial was pending, an old Irishman named McGuire, 
who had worked for some farmer during the summer, 
returned to town for the winter. The case being men- 
tioned in his presence, he promptly said: "I can teil 
you all about it. I helped carry the chain when Abe 
Lincoln laid out this town. Över there where they 
are quarreling about the lines, when he was locating the 
street, he straightened up from his instrument and 
said: 'If I run that street right through, it will cut 

three or four feet off the end of 's house. It's all 

he's got in the world and he could never get another. 
I reckon it won't hurt anything out here if I skew the 
line a little and miss him.' ,, 

The line was "skewed," and hence the trouble, and 
more testimony furnished as to Lincoln's abounding 
kindness of heart, that would not willingly härm any 
human being. 

"HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF THIS PLACE?" 

"It seems to me," remarked the President one day 
while reading over some of the appealing telegrams sent 
to the War Department b\^ General McClellan, "that 
McClellan has been wandering around and has sort of 
got lost. He's been hollering for help ever since he 
went South — wants somebody to come to his deliver- 
ance and get him out of the place he's got into. 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 29 



"He reminds me of the story of a man out in Illi- 
nois who, in Company with a number of friends, visited 
the State penitentiary. They wandered all through the 
institution and saw everything, but just about the time 
to depart this particular man became separated from 
his friends and couldn't find his way out. 

"He roamed up and down one corridor after another, 
becoming more desperate all the time, when, at last, he 
came across a convict who was looking out from between 
the bars of his cell-door. Here was salvation at last. 
Hurrying up to the prisoner he hastily asked: 

"'Say! How do you get out of this place?'" 



HELL A MILE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE 

Ward Lamon told this story of President Lincoln, 
whom he found one day in a particularly gloomy frame 
of mind. Lamon said: 

"The President remarked, as I came in, 'I fear I 
have made Senator Wade, of Ohio, my enemv for life.' 

"'How?' I asked. 

"'Well,' continued the President, 'Wade was here 
just now urging me to dismiss Grant, and, in response 
to something he said, I remarked, "Senator, that re- 
minds me of a story."' 

'"What did Wade say,' I inquired of the President. 

"'He said, in a petulant way,' the President re- 
sponded, '"It is with you, sir, all story, story! You are 
the father of every military blunder that has been made 
during the war. You are on your road to hell, sir, with 
this government, by your obstinacy, and you are not a 
mile off this minute."' 

'"What did you say then?' 

"'I good-naturedly said to him, ' the President 
replied, '"Senator, that is just about from here to the 
Capitol, is it not?" He was very angry, grabbed up 
his hat and cane, and went away'." 



3 o ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



'TWAS "MOVING DAY" 

Speed, who was a prosperous young merchant of 
Springfield, reports that Lincoln's personal eflects con- 
sisted of a pair of saddle-bags, containing two or three 
lawbooks, and a few pieces of clothing. Riding on a 
borrowed horse, he thus made his appearance in Spring- 
field. When he discovered that a Single bedstead would 
cost seventeen dollars he said, "It is probably cheap 
enough, but I have not enough money to pay for it." 
When Speed offered to trust him, he said: " If I fail here 
as a lawyer, I will probably never pay you at all. " 
Then Speed offered to share a large double bed with him. 

"Where is your room?" Lincoln asked. 

"Upstairs," said Speed, pointing from the störe 
leading to his room. Without saying a word, he took 
his saddle-bags on his arm, went upstairs, set them down 
on the floor, came down again, and with a face beaming 
with pleasure and smiles, exclaimed: "Well, Speed, I'm 
moved. " 

"ABE'S" HAIR NEEDED COMBING 

"By the way, " remarked President Lincoln one 
day to Colonel Cannon, a close personal friend, "I can 
teil you a good story about my hair. When I was 
nominated at Chicago, an enterprising fellow thought 
that a great many people would like to see how 'Abe' 
Lincoln looked, and, as I had not long before sat for a 
photograph, the fellow, having seen it, rushed over and 
bought the negative. 

"He at once got 1:0 end of wood-cuts, and so active 
was their circulation that they were soon selling in all 
parts of the country. 

"Soon after they reached Springfield, I heard a 
boy crying them for sale on the streets. 'Here's your 
likeness of "Abe" Lincoln !' he shouted. 'Buy one; 
price only two Shillings! Will look a great deal better 
when he gets his hair combed '!" 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 31 

RIGHT FOR ONCE, ANYHOW 

Where men bred in courts, accustomed to the 
world, or versed in diplomacy, would use some subter- 
fuge, or would make a polite speech, or give a shrug of 
the Shoulders, as the means of getting out of an embar- 
rassing position, Lincoln raised a laugh by some bold 
west-country anecdote, and moved off in the cloud of 
merriment produced by the joke. When Attorney- 
General Bates was remonstrating apparently against 
the appointment of some indifferent lawyer to a place 
of judicial importance, the President interposed with: 
"Come now, Bates, he's not half as bad as you think. 
Besides that, I must teil you, he did me a good turn 
long ago. When I took to the law I was going to court 
one morning, with some ten or twelve miles of bad road 
before me, and I had no horse. 

"The Judge overtook me in his carriage. 

"'Hallo, Lincoln! are you not going to the court- 
house? Come in and I will give you a seat!' 

"Well, I got in, and the Judge went on reading his 
papers. Presently the carriage Struck a stump on one 
side of the road, then it hopped off to the other. I 
looked out, and I saw the driver was jerking from side 
to side in his seat, so I says: 

"'Judge, I think your coachman has been taking 
a little too much this morning. ' 

"'Well, I declare, Lincoln,' said he, 'I should not 
much wonder if you were right, for he has nearly upset 
me half a dozen times since starting. ' 

"So, putting his head out of the window, he shouted, 
'Why, you infernal scoundrel, you are drunk!' 

"Upon which, pulling up his horses, and turning 
around with great gravi ty, the coachman said: 

"'Begorra! that's the first rightful decision that 
you have given for the last twelvemonth\ " 

While the Company were laughing, the President 
beat a quiet retreat from the neighborhood. 




32 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



"SMELT NO ROYALTY IN OUR CARRIAGE" 

On one occasion, in going to meet an appointment 
in the southern part of the Sucker State — that section 
of Illinois called Egypt — Lincoln, with other friends, 
was traveling in the "caboose" of a freight train, when 
the freight was switched off the main track to allow a 
special train to pass. 

Lincoln's more aristocratic rival (Stephen A. 
Douglas) was being conveyed to the same town in this 
special. The passing train was decorated with banners 
and flags, and carried a band of music, which was play- 
ing "Hail to the Chief." 

As the train whistled past, Lincoln broke out in 
a fit of laughter, and said: "Boys, the gentleman in 
that car evidently smelt no royalty in our carriage. " 

SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE 

Itwas the President's overweening desire to accommo- 
date all persons who came to him soliciting favors, but 
the opportunity was never offered until an untimely and 
unthinking disease, which possessed many of the char- 
acteristics of one of the most dreaded maladies, confined 
him to his bed at the White House. 

The rumor spread that the President was afflicted 
with this disease, while the truth was that it was merely 
a very mild attack of varioioid. The office-seekers 
didn't know the facts, and for once the Executive Man- 
sion was clear of them. 

One day, a man from the West, who didn't read 
the papers, but wanted the postoffice in his town, called 
at the White House. The President, being then prac- 
tically a well man, saw him. The caller was engaged in 
a voluble endeavor to put his capabilities in the most 
favorable light, when the President interrupted him 
with the remark that he would be compelled to make 
the interview short, as his doctor was due. 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 33 

"Why, Mr. President, are you sick?" queried the 
visitor. 

"Oh, nothing much, " replied Mr. Lincoln, "but 
the physician says he fears the worst. " 

"What worst, may I ask?" 

"Smallpox, " was the answer; "but you needn't 
be scared. I'm only in the first stages now." 

The visitor grabbed his hat, sprang from his chair, 
and without a word bolted for the door. 

"Don't be in a hurry, " said the President placidly; 
"sit down and talk awhile. " 

"Thank you, sir; I '11 call again," shouted the 
Westerner, as he disappeared through the opening in 
the wall. 

"Now, that's the way with people," the President 
said, when relating the story afterward. " When I can't 
give them what they want, they're dissatisfied, and say 
harsh things about me; but when I've something 
to give to everybody they scamper off. " 



REMINDED HIM OF "A LITTLE STORY" 

When Lincoln's attention was called to the fact 
that, at one time in his boyhood, he had ,spelled the 
name of the Deity with a small "g," he replied: 

"That reminds me of a little story. It came about 
that a lot of Confederate mail was captured by the 
Union forces, and, while it was not exactly the proper 
thing to do, some of our soldiers opened several letters 
written by the Southerners at the front to their people 
at home. 

"In one of these missives the writer, in a postscript, 
jotted down this assertion: 

"'Well lick the Yanks termorrer, if goddlemity 
(God Almighty) spares our lives. ' 

"That fellow was in earnest, too, as the letter was 
written the day before the second battle of Manassas." 



34 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



BIG ENOÜGH HOG FOR HIM 

To a curiosity-seeker who desired a permit to pass 
the lines to visit the field of Bull Run, after the first 
battle, Lincoln made the following reply: "A man in 
Cortlandt county raised a porker of such unusual size 
that strangers went out of their way to see it. 

"One of them the other day met the old gentleman 
and inquired about the animal. 

"'Wall, yes, ' the old fellow said, Tve got such a 
critter, mi'ty big un; but I guess I'll have to Charge 
you about a shillin' for lookin' at him. ' 

"The stranger looked at the old man for a minute 
or so, pulled out the desired coin, handed it to him, 
and started to go off. 'Hold on,' said the other, 'don't 
you want to see the hog?' 

"'No, ' said the stranger; 'I have seen as big a 
hog as I want to see!' 

"And you will find that fact the case with yourself, 
if you should happen to see a few live rebels there as 
well as dead ones. " 

HOW "JAKE" GOT AWAY 

One of the last, if not the very last story told by 
President Lincoln, was to one of his Cabinet who came 
to see him, to ask if it would be proper to permit " Jake" 
Thompson to slip through Maine in disguise and embark 
for Portland. 

The President, as usual, was disposed to be merciful, 
and to permit the arch-rebel to pass unmolested, but 
Secretary Stanton urged that he should be arrested as 
a traitor. 

"By permitting him to escape the penalties of 
treason," persisted the War Secretary, "you sanction 
it." "Well," replied Mr. Lincoln, "let me teil you a 
story. There was an Irish soldier here last summer, 
who wanted something to drink stronger than water, 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 35 

and stopped at a drug-shop, where he espied a soda- 
fountain. 'Mr. Doctor, ' said he, 'give me, plase, a glass 
of soda-wather, an' if yez can put in a few drops of 
whiskey unbeknown to any one, 111 be obleeged. ' Now," 
continued Mr. Lincoln, "if 'Jake' Thompson is per- 
mitted to go through Maine unbeknown to any one, 
what's the härm? So don't have him arrested." 

"ABE" RESENTED THE INSULT 

A cashiered officer, seeking to be restored through 
the power of the executive, became insolent, because 
the President, who believed the man guilty, would not 
accede to his repeated requests, at last said, "Well, 
Mr. President, I see you are fully determined not to do 
me justice!" 

This was too aggravating even for Mr. Lincoln; 
rising, he suddenly seized the disgraced officer by the 
coat collar, and marched him forcibly to the door, saying 
as he ejected him into the passage: 

"Sir, I give you fair warning never to show your 
face in this room again. I can bear censure, but not 
insult. I never wish to see your face again. " 

STORIES BETTER THAN DOCTORS 

A gentleman, visiting a hospital at Washington, 
heard an occupant of one of the beds laughing and talk- 
ing about the President, who had been there a short 
time before and gladdened the wounded with some of 
his stories. The soldier seemed in such good spirits that 
the gentleman inquired: 

"You must be very slightly wounded ?'" 
"Yes," replied the brave fellow, "very slightly — 
I have only lost one leg, and Fd be glad enough to lose 
the other, if I could hear some more of 'Qld AbeV 
stories. " 



36 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 

"ALL SICKER'N YOUR MAN" 

A Commissioner to the Hawaiian Islands was to be 
appointed, and eight applicants had filed their papers, 
when a delegation from the South appeared at the 
White House on behalf of a ninth. Not only was their 
man fit — so the delegation urged — but was also in bad 
health, and a residence in that balmy climate would 
be of great benefit to him. 

The President was rather impatient that day, and 
before the members of the delegation had fairly started 
in, suddenly closed the interview with this remark: 

"Gentlemen, I am sorry to say that there are eight 
other applicants for that place, and they are all 'sicker'n' 
your man." 

"DID YE ASK MORRISSEY YET?" 

John Morrissey, the noted prize fighter, was the 
"Boss" of Tammany Hall during the Civil War period. 
It pleased his fancy to go to Congress, and his obedient 
constituents sent him there. Morrissey was such an 
absolute despot that the New York City democracy 
could not make a move without his consent, and many 
of the Tammanyites were so afraid of him that they 
would not even enter into business ventures without 
Consulting the autocrat. 

President Lincoln had been seriously annoyed by 
some of his generals, who were afraid to make the 
slightest move before asking advice from Washington. 
One Commander, in particular, was so cautious that he 
telegraphed the War Department upon the slightest 
pretext, the result being that his troops were lying in 
camp doing nothing, when they should have been in 
the field. 

"This general reminds me," the President said 
one day, while talking to Secretary Stanton, at the War 
Department, "of a story I once heard about a Tammany 



ANBCDOTES AND STORIBS 37 



man. He happened to meet a friend, also a member of 
Tammany, on the street, and in the course of the talk 
the friend, who was beaming with smiles and good 
nature, told the other Tammanyite that he was going 
to be mafried. 

"This first Tammany man looked more serious than 
men usually do upon hearing of the impending happi- 
ness of a friend. In fact, his face seemed to take on a 
look of anxiety and worry. 

"'Ain't you glad to know that I'm to get married?' 
demanded the second Tammanyite, somewhat in a huff. 

'"Of course I am/ was the reply; 'but,' putting 
his mouth close to the ear of the other, 'have ye asked 
Morrissey yet?' 

"Now this general of whom we are speaking, 
wouldn't dare order out the guard without asking Mor- 
rissey, ,, concluded the President. 

LINCOLN ASKED TO BE SHOT 

Lincoln was, naturally enough, much surprised one 
day, when a man of rather forbidding countenance drew 
a revolver and thrust the weapon into his face. In such 
circumstances "Abe" at once concluded that any 
attempt at debate or argument was a waste of time and 
words. 

"What seems to be the matter?" inquired Lincoln 
with all the calmness and self-possession he could muster. 

"Well," replied the stranger, who did not appear 
at all excited, "some years ago I swore an oath that if 
I ever came across an uglier man than myself I'd shoot 
him on the spot. " 

A feeling of relief evidently took possession of Lin- 
coln at this rejoinder, as the expression upon his coun- 
tenance lost all Suggestion of anxiety. 

"Shoot me," he said to the stranger; "for if I am 
an uglier man than you I don't want to live. " 



3 8 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



HE COULDN'T WAIT FOR THE COLONEL 

General Fisk, attending a reception at the White 
House, saw waiting in the anteroom a poor old man 
from Tennessee, and learned that he had been waiting 
three or four days to get an audience, on which probably 
depended the life of his son, under sentence of death 
for some military offense. 

General Fisk wrote his case in outline on a card 
and sent it in, with a special request that the President 
would see the man. In a moment the order came; and 
past impatient Senators, governors and generals, the 
old man went. 

He showed his papers to Mr. Lincoln, who said he 
would look into the case and give him the result next 
day. 

The old man, in an agony of apprehensicn, looked 
up into the President^ sympathetic face and actually 
cried out: 

"Tomorrow may be too late! My son is under sen- 
tence of death. It ought to be decided now!" 

His Streaming tears told how much he was moved. 

"Come," said Mr. Lincoln, "wait a bit and 111 teil 
you a story;" and then he told the old man General 
Fisk's story about the swearing driver, as follows: 

"The general had begun his military life as a 
colonel, and when he raised his regiment in Missouri 
he proposed to his men that he should do all the swear- 
ing of the regiment. They assented; and for months 
no instance was known of the violation of the promise. 

"The colonel had a teamster named John Todd, 
who, as roads were not always the best, had some 
difficulty in commanding his temper and his tongue. 

"John happened to be driving a mule team through 
a series of mudholes a little worse than usual, when, 
unable to restrain himself any longer, he burst forth 
into a volley of energetic oaths. 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 39 



"The colonel took notice of the offense and brought 
John to account. 

"'John,' said he, 'didn't you promise to let me do 
all the swearing of the regiment?' 

"'Yes, I did, colonel/ he replied, 'but the fact was, 
the swearing had to be done then or not at all, and 
you weren't there to do it\" 

As he told the story the old man forgot his boy, and 
both the President and his listener had a hearty laugh 
together at its conclusion. 

Then he wrote a few words which the old man 
read, and in which he found new occasion for tears; 
but the tears were tears of joy, for the words saved the 
life of his son. 

HE LOVED A GOOD STORY 

Judge Breese, of the Supreme bench, one of the 
most distinguished of American jurists, and a man of 
great personal dignity, was about to open court at 
Springfield, when Lincoln called out in his hearty way: 
"Hold on, Breese! Don't open court yet! Here's Bob 
Blackwell just going to teil a story! " The Judge passed 
on without replying, evidently regarding it as beneath 
the dignity of the Supreme Court to delay proceedings 
for the sake of a story. 

THE DEAD MAN SPOKE 

Mr. Lincoln once said in a speech: "Fellow Citizens, 
my friend, Mr. Douglas, made the startling announce- 
ment today that the Whigs are all dead. 

"If that be so, fellow-citizens, you will now experi- 
ence the novelty of hearing a speech from a dead man; 
and I suppose you might properly say, in the language 
of the old hymn: 

"'Hark! from the tombs a doleful sound\ " 



4 o ANECDOTES AND STOR/ES 



LINCOLN PRONOUNCED THIS STORY FUNNY 

The President was heard to declare one day that 
the story given below was one of the funniest he ever 
heard. 

One of General Fremont's batteries of eight Parrott 
guns, supported by a squadron of horse commanded by 
Major Richards, was in sharp conflict with a battery of 
the enemy near at hand. Shells and shot were flying 
thick and fast, when the Commander of the battery, a 
German, one of Fremont's staff, rode suddenly up to 
the cavalry, exclaiming, in loud and excited terms, 
"Pring up de shackasses! Pring up de shackasses! For 
Cot's sake, hurry up the shackasses, im-me-di-ate-ly! ,, 

The necessity of this order, though not quite appar- 
ent, will be more obvious when it is remembered that 
" shackasses* ' are mules, carry mountain howitzers, 
which are fired from the back of that much-abused but 
valuable animal; and the immediate occasion for the 
" shackasses" was that two regiments of rebel infantry 
were at that moment discovered ascending a hill immedi- 
ately behind our batteries. 

The "shackasses," with the howitzers loaded with 
grape and canister, were soon on the ground. 

The mules squared themselves, as they well knew 
how, for the shock. 

A terrific volley was poured into the advancing 
column, which immediately broke and retreated. 

Two hundred and seventy-eight dead bodies were 
found in the ravine next day, piled closely together as 
they feil, the effects of that volley from the backs of 
the "shackasses." 

"PLOUGH ALL 'ROUND HIM" 

Governor Blank went to the War Department one 
day in a towering rage: 

"I suppose you found it necessary to make large 



ANECDOTES AND STORIBS 41 



concessions to him, as he returned from you perfectly 
satisfied," suggested a friend. 

"Oh, no," the President replied, "I did not con- 
cede anything. You have heard how that Illinois 
farmer got rid of a big log that was too big to haul out, 
too knotty to split, and too wet and soggy to burn. 

"'Well, now, ' said he, in response to the inquiries 
of his neighbors one Sunday, as to how he got rid of it, 
'well, now, boys, if you won't divulge the secret, I'll 
teil you how I got rid of it — I ploughed around it. ' 

"Now," remarked Lincoln, in conclusion, "don't 
teil anybody, but that's the way I got rid of Governor 
Blank. I ploughed all round him, but it took me 
three mortal hours to do it, and I was afraid every 
minute he'd see what I was at. " 

"FVE LOST MY APPLE" 

During a public "reception," a farmer from one 
of the border counties of Virginia told the President 
that the Union soldiers, in passing his farm, had helped 
themselves not only to hay, but to his horse, and he 
hoped the President would urge the proper officer to 
consider his claim immediately. 

Mr. Lincoln said that this reminded him of an old 
acquaintance of his, "Jack" Chase, a lumberman on the 
Illinois, a steady, sober man, and the best raftsman on 
the river. It was quite a trick to take the logs over the 
rapids; but he was skilful with a raft and always kept 
her straight in her Channel. Finally a steamer was put 
on, and "Jack" was made captain of her. He always 
used to take the wheel, going through the rapids. One 
day when the boat was plunging and wallowing along 
the boiling current, and "Jack's" utmost vigilance was 
being exercised to keep her in the narrow Channel, a 
boy pulled his coat-tail and hailed him with: 

"Say, Mister Captain! I wish you would just stop 
your boat a minute — I've lost my apple overboard!" 



42 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



LINCOLN'S APOLOGY TO GRANT 

"General Grant is a copious worker and fighter, " 
President Lincoln wrote to General Burnside in July, 
1863, "but a meagre writer or telegrapher. " 

Grant never wrote a report until the battle was over. 

President Lincoln wrote a letter to Grant on July 
13th, 1863, which indicated the strength of the hold 
the successful fighter had upon the man in the White 
House. 

It ran as follows: 

"I do not remember that you and' I ever met 
personally. 

"I write this now as a grateful acknowledgment 
for the almost inestimable Service you have done the 
country. 

' ' I write to say a word further. 

"When you first reached the vicinity of Vicksburg, 
I thought you should do what you finally did — march 
the troops across the neck, run the batteries with the 
transports, and thus go below; and I never had any 
faith, except a general hope, that you knew better than 
I, that the Yazoo Pass expedition, and the like, could 
succeed. 

"When you got below and took Port Gibson, Grand 
Gulf and vicinity, I thought you should go down the 
river and join General Banks; and when you turned 
northward, east of Big Black, I feared it was a mistake. 

"I now wish to make the personal acknowledg- 
ment that you were right and I was wrong. " 

A USELESS DOG 

When Hood's army had been scattered into frag- 
ments, President Lincoln, elated by the defeat of what 
had so long been a menacing force on the borders of 
Tennessee, was reminded by its collapse of the fate of 
a savage dog belonging to one of his neighbors in the 



ANECDOTBS AND STORIES 



frontier Settlements in which he lived in his youth. 
4 'The dog, " he said, "was the terror of the neighbor- 
hood, and its owner, a churlish and quarrelsome fellow, 
took pleasure in the brute's forcible attitude. 

"Finally, all other means having failed to subdue 
the creature, a man loaded a lump of meat with a Charge 
of powder, to which was attached a slow fuse; this was 
dropped where the dreaded dog would find it, and the 
animal gulped down the tempting bait. 

"There was a dull rumbling, a muffled explosion, 
and fragments of the dog were seen flying in every direc- 
tion. The grieved owner, picking up the shattered 
remains of his cruel favorite, said: 'He was a good 
dog, but as a dog, his days of usefulness are over. ' 
Hood's army was a good army," said Lincoln by way 
of comment, "and we were all afraid of it, but as an 
army, its usefulness is gone. " 

HE'D RUIN ALL THE OTHER CONVICTS 

One of the droll stories brought into play by the 
President as an ally in support of his contention, proved 
most effective. Politics was rife among the generals of 
the Union Army, and there was more "wire-pulling" 
to prevent the advancement of fellow Commanders 
than the laying of plans to defeat the Confederates in 
battle. 

However, when it so happened that the name of 
a particularly unpopulär general was sent to the Senate 
for confirmation, the protest against his promotion was 
almost unanimous. The nomination didn't seem to 
please anyone. Generals who were enemies before 
conferred together for the purpose of bringing every 
possible influence to bear upon the Senate and secur- 
ing the rejection of the hated leader's name. The 
President was surprised. He had never known such 
unanimity before. 



44 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



"You remind me," said the President to a delega- 
tion of officers which called upon him one day to present 
a fresh protest to him regarding the nomination, "of 
a visit a certain Governor paid to the Penitentiary of 
his State. It had been announced that the Governor 
would hear the story of every inmate of the Institution, 
and was prepared to rectify, either by commutation or 
pardon, any wrongs that had been done to any prisoner. 

"One by one the convicts appeared before His 
Excellency, and each one maintained that he was an 
innocent man, who had been sent to prison because the 
police didn't like him, or his friends and relatives wanted 
his property, or he was too populär, etc., etc. The last 
prisoner to appear was an individual who was not at all 
prepossessing. His face was against him; his eyes 
were shifty; he didn't have the appearance of an honest 
man, and he didn't act like one. 

"'Well, ' asked the Governor, impatiently, 'I suppose 
you're innocent like the rest of these fellows?' 

"'No, Governor/ was the unexpected answer; 'I 
was guilty of the crime they charged against me, and I 
got just what I deserved. ' 

"When he had recovered from his astonishment, 
the Governor, looking the fellow squarely in the face, 
remarked with emphasis: TU have to pardon you, 
because I don't want to leave so bad a man as you are 
in the Company of such innocent sufferers as I have 
discovered your fellow-convicts to be. You might 
corrupt them and teach them wicked tricks. As soon 
as I get back to the capital, 111 have the papers made 
out.' 

"You gentlemen," continued the President, "ought 
to be glad that so bad a man, as you represent this 
officer to be, is to get his promotion, for then you won't 
be forced to associate with him and suffer the contamina- 
tion of his presence and influence. I will do all I can 
to have the Senate confirm him. " 

And he was confirmed. 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 45 



IT WAS UP-HILL WORK 

Two young men called on the President from 
Springfield, Illinois. Lincoln shook hands with them, 
and asked about the crops, the weather, etc. 

Finally one of the young men said, "Mother is not 
well, and she sent me up to inquire of you how the suit 
about the Wells property is getting on. " 

Lincoln, in the same even tone with which he had 
asked the question, said: "Give my best wishes and 
respects to your mother, and teil her I have so many 
outside matters to attend to now that I have put that 
case, and others, in the hand of a lawyer friend of mine, 
and if you will call on him (giving name and address) 
he will give you all the Information you want. " 

After they had gone, a friend who was present, 
said: "Mr. Lincoln, you did not seem to know the 
young men?" 

He laughed and replied: "No, I had never seen 
them before, and I had to beat around the bush until 
I found who they were. It was up-hill work, but I 
topped it at last. " 

HIS "GLASS HACK" 

President Lincoln had not been in the White House 
very long before Mrs. Lincoln became seized with the 
idea that a fine new barouche was about the proper 
thing for "the first lady in the land. " The President 
did not care particularly about it one way or the other, 
and told his wife to order whatever she wanted. 

Lincoln forgot all about the new vehicle, and was 
overcome with astonishment one afternoon when, 
having acceded to Mrs. Lincoln's desire to go driving, 
be found a beautiful barouche Standing in front of the 
door of the White House. 

His wife watched him with an amused smile, but 
the only remark he made was, "Well, Mary, that's 
about the slickest 'glass hack' in town, isn't it?" 



4 6 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 

COULD LICK ANY MAN IN THE CROWD 

When the enemies of General Grant were bother- 
ing the President with emphatic and repeated demands 
that the "Silent Man" be removed from command, 
Mr. Lincoln remained firm. He would not consent to 
lose the Services of so valuable a soldier. "Grant 
fights," said he in response to the charges made that 
Grant was a butcher, a drunkard, an incompetent and 
a general who did not know his business. 

"That reminds me of a story," President Lincoln 
said one day to a delegation of the ' ' Grant-is-no-good ' ' 
style. 

"Out in my State of Illinois there was a mannomi- 
nated for sheriff of the county. He was a good man for 
the office, brave, determined and honest, but not much 
of an orator. In fact, he couldn't talk at all; he couldn't 
make a speech to save his life. 

"His friends knew he was a man who would 
preserve the peace of the county and perform the duties 
devolving upon him all right, but the people of the 
county didn't know it. They wanted him to come out 
boldly on the platform at political meetings and state 
his convictions and principles; they had been used to 
Speeches from candidates, and were somewhat sus- 
picious of a man who was afraid to open his mouth. 

"At last the candidate consented to make a speech, 
and his friends were delighted. The candidate was on 
hand, and, when he was called upon, advanced to the 
front and faced the crowd. There was a glitter in his 
eye that wasn't pleasing, and the way he walked out 
to the front of the stand showed that he knew just 
what he wanted to say. 

"'Feller Citizens,' was his beginning, the words 
spoken quietly, Tm not a speakin' man; I ain't no 
orator, an' I never stood up before a lot of people in 
my life before; I'm not goin' to make no speech, 'xcept 
to say that I can lick any man in the crowd!'" 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 47 



NO DEATHS IN HIS HOUSE 

A gentleman was relating to the President how a 
friend of his had been driven away from New Orleans 
as a Unionist, and how, on his expulsion, when he 
asked to see the writ by which he was expelled, the 
deputation which called on him told him the Govern- 
ment would do nothing illegal, and so they had issued 
no illegal writs, and simply meant to make him go of 
his own free will. 

"Well," said Mr. Lincoln, "that reminds me of a 
hotel-keeper down at St. Louis, who boasted that he 
never had a death in his hotel, for whenever a guest 
was dying in his house, he carried him out to die in the 
gutter." 

LINCOLN'S NAME FOR "WEEPING WATER" 

"I was speaking one time to Mr. Lincoln," said 
Governor Saunders, of Nebraska, "of a little Nebraskan 
settlement on the Weeping Water, a stream in our State." 

" ' Weeping Water! ' said he. 

"Then with a twinkle in his eye, he continued: 

"*I suppose the Indians out there call it Minne- 
boohoo, don't they? They ought to, if Laughing Water 
is Minnehaha in their language.'" 

EASIER TO EMPTY THE POTOMAC 

An officer of low volunteer rank persisted in telling 
and re-telling his troubles to the President on a summer 
afternoon when Lincoln was tired and careworn. 

After listening patiently, he finally turned upon the 
broad Potomac in the distance, said in a peremptory 
tone that ended the interview: 

"Now, my man, go away, go away. I cannot 
meddle in your case. I could as easily bail out the 
Potomac River with a teaspoon as attend to all the 
details of the army. " 



4 8 ANBCDOTES AND STORIES 



A "FREE FOR ALL" 

Lincoln made a political speech at Pappsville, Illi- 
nois, when a candidate for the Legislative the first time. 
A free-for-all fight began soon after the opening of the 
meeting, and Lincoln, noticing one of his friends about 
to succumb to the energetic attack of an infuriated 
ruffian, edged his way through the crowd, and, seizing 
the bully by the neck and the seat of his trousers, threw 
him, by means of his strength and long arms, as one 
witness stoutly insists, "twelve feet away. " Return- 
ing to the stand, and throwing aside his hat, he inaugu- 
rated his campaign with the following brief but perti- 
nent declaration: 

" Fellow-citizens, I presume you all know who I 
am. I am humble Abraham Lincoln. I have been 
solicited by many friends to beoome a candidate for 
the Legislature. My politics are short and sweet, like 
the old woman's dance. I am in favor of the national 
bank; I am in favor of the internal improvement Sys- 
tem and a high protective tariff. These are my senti- 
ments; if elected, I shall be thankful; if not, it will 
be all the same. " 

THE OTHER ONE WAS WORSE 

It so happened that an official of the War Depart- 
ment had escaped serious punishment for a rather 
flagrant oflense, by showing where grosser irregularities 
existed in the management of a certain Bureau of the 
Department. So valuable was the information furnished 
that the culprit who "gave the snap away" was not 
even discharged. 

"That reminds me," the President said, when the 
case was laid before him, "of a story about Daniel 
Webster, when the latter was a boy. 

"When quite young, at school, Daniel was one day 
guilty of a gross violation of the rules. He was detected 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 49 

in the act, and called up by the teacher for punish- 
ment. 

"This was to be the old-fashioned 'feruling' of the 
hand. His hands happened to be very dirty. 

"Knowing this, on the way to the teacher's desk, 
he spit upon the palm of his right hand, wiping it off 
upon the side of his pantaloons. 

"'Give nie your hand, sir, ' said the teacher, very 
sternly. 

"Out went the right hand, partly cleansed. The 
teacher looked at it a moment, and said: 

'"Daniel, if you will find another hand in this 
school-room as filthy as that, I will let you off this 
time!' 

"Instantly from behind his back came the left 
hand. 

"'Here it is, sir/ was the ready reply. 

"That will do,' said the teacher, 'for this time; 
you can take your seat, sir'." 

COÜLD MAKE "RABBIT-TRACKS" 

When a grocery clerk at New Salem, the annual 
election came around. A Mr. Graham was clerk, but 
his assistant was absent, and it was necessary to find 
a man to fill his place, Lincoln, a "tall young man," 
had already concentrated on himself the attention of 
the people of the town, and Graham easily discovered 
him. Asking him if he could write, "Abe" modestly 
replied, "I can make a few rabbit-tracks. " His rabbit- 
tracks proving to be legible and even graceful, he was 
employed. 

The voters soon discovered that the new assistant 
clerk was honest and fair, and performed his duties 
satisfactorily, and when, the work done, he began to 
"entertain them with stories, ,, they found that their 
town had made a valuable personal and social acqui- 
situm. " 



5 o ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



PETER CARTWRIGHT'S DESCRIPTION OF LINCOLN 

Peter Cartwright, the famous and eccentric old 
Methodist preacher, who used to ride a church circuit, 
as Mr. Lincoln and others did the court circuit, did not 
like Lincoln very well, probably because Mr. Lincoln 
was not a member of his flock and once defeated the 
preacher for Congress. This was Cartwright's descrip- 
tion of Lincoln: "This Lincoln is a man six feet four 
inches tall, but so angular that if you should drop a 
plummet from the center of his head it would cut him 
three times before it touched his feet." 

WISHED THE ARMY CHARGED LIKE THAT 

A prominent volunteer officer who, early in the War, 
was on duty in Washington and often carried reports 
to Secretary Stanton at the War Department, told a 
characteristic story on President Lincoln. Said he: 

"I was with several other young officers, also 
carrying reports to the War Department, and one morn- 
ing we were late. In this instance we were in a des- 
perate hurry to deliver the papers, in order to be able 
to catch the train returning to camp. 

"On the winding, dark staircase of the old War 
Department, which many will remember, it was our 
misfortune, while taking about three stairs at a time, 
to run a certain head like a catapult into the body of 
the President, striking him in the region of the right 
lower vest pocket. 

"The usual surprised and relaxed grünt of a man 
thus assailed came promptly. 

"We quickly sent an apology in the direction of 
the dimly seen form, feeling that the ungracious shock 
was expensive, even to the humblest clerk in the depart- 
ment. 

"A second glance revealed to us the President as 
the victim of the collision. Then followed a special 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 5 1 



tender of 'ten thousand pardons, ' and the President's 
reply: 

'"One's enough; I wish the whole army would 
Charge like that."' 

"UNCLE ABRAHAM" HAD EVERYTHING READY 

"You can't do anything with them Southern fel- 
lows, " the old man at the table was saying. 

"If they get whipped, they'll retreat to them South- 
ern swamps and bayous along with the fishes and croco- 
diles. You haven't got the fish-nets made that'll 
catch 'em." 

"Look here, old gentleman," remarked President 
Lincoln, who was sitting alongside, "we've got just the 
netsfor traitors, in the bayous or anywhere. " 

"Hey? Whatnets?" 

"Bayou-nets!" and "Uncle Abraham" pointed his 
joke with his fork, spearing a fishball savagely. 

DIDN'T TRUST THE COURT 

In one of his many stories of Lincoln, his law part- 
ner, W. H. Herndon, told this as illustrating Lincoln's 
shrewdness as a lawyer: 

"I was with Lincoln once and listened to an oral 
argument by him in which he rehearsed an extended 
history of the law. It was a carefully prepared and 
masterly discourse, but, as I thought, entirely useless. 
After he was through and we were Walking home, I 
asked him why he went so far back in the history of 
the law. I presumed the court knew enough history. 

'"That's where you're mistaken,' was his instant 
rejoinder. 'I dared not trust the case on the presump- 
tion that the court knows everything — in fact I argued 
it on the presumption that the court didn't know any- 
thing, ' a statement, which, when one reviews the decision 
of our appellate courts, is not so extravagant as one 
would at first suppose." 



5 2 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



J 



"TAD" GOT HIS DOLLAR 

No matter who was with the President, or how 
intently absorbed, his little son "Tad" was always 
welcome. He almost always accompanied his father. 

Once, on the way to Fortress Monroe, he became 
very troublesome. The President was much engaged 
in conversation with the party who accompanied him, 
and he at length said: 

"Tad, 1 if } r ou will be a good boy, and not disturb 
me any more until we get to Fortress Monroe, I will 
give you a dollar. " 

The hope of reward was effectual for a while in 
securing silence, but, boylike, "Tad" soon forgot his 
promise, and was as noisy as ever. Upon reaching their 
destination, however, he said, very promptly: " Father, 
I want my dollar." Mr. Lincoln looked at him half- 
reproachfully for an instant, and then, taking from 
his pocketbook a dollar note, he said: "Well, my son, 
at any rate, I will keep my part of the bargain. " 

ROUGH ON THE NEGRO 

Mr. Lincoln, one day, was talking with the Rev. 
Dr. Sunderland about the Emancipation Proclamation 
and the future of the negro. Suddenly a ripple of 
amusement broke the solemn tone of his voice. "As 
for the negroes, Doctor, and what is going to become of 
them: I told Ben Wade the other day, that it made me 
think of a story I read in one of my first books, '^Esop's 
Fables. ' It was an old edition, and had curious rough 
wood cuts, one of which showed three white men scrub- 
bing a negro in a potash kettle filled with cold water. 
The text explained that the men thought that by scrub- 
bing the negro they might make him white. Just about 
the time they thought they w T ere succeeding, he took 
cold and died. Now, I am afraid that by the time we 
get through this war the negro will catch cold and die." 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 53 

"LONG ABE'S" FEET "PROTRUDED OVER" 

George M. Pullman, the great sleeping car builder, 
once told a joke in which Lincoln was the prominent 
figure. In fact, there wouldn't have been any joke 
had it not been for "Long Abe. " At the time of the 
occurrence, which was the foundation for the joke — 
and Pullman admitted that the latter w r as on him — 
Pullman was the conductor of his only sleeping-car. 
The latter was an experiment, and Pullman was doing 
everything possible to get the railroads to take hold 
of it. 

"One night," said Pullman in telling the story, 
"as we were about going out of Chicago — this was long 
before Lincoln was what you might call a renowned 
man — a long, lean, ugly man, with a wart on his cheek, 
came into the depot. He paid me fifty cents, and half 
a berth was assigned him. Then he took off his coat 
and vest and hung them up, and they fitted the peg 
about as well as they fitted him. Then he kicked off 
his boots, which were of surprising length, turned into 
the berth, and, undoubtedly having an easy conscience, 
was sleeping like a healthy baby before the car left 
the depot. 

"Pretty soon along came another passenger and 
paid his fifty cents. In two minutes he was back at 
me, angry as a wet hen. 

"There's a man in that berth of mine,' said he 
hotly, 'and he's about ten feet high. How am I going 
to sleep there, Fd like to know? Go and look at him. - 

"In I went — mad, too. The tall, lank man's knees 
were under his chin, his arms were stretched across the 
bed and his feet were stored comfortably — for him. 
I shook him until he awoke, and then told him if he 
wanted the whole berth he would have to pay $1. 

"My dear sir, ' said the tall man, 'a contract is a 
contract. I have paid you fifty cents for half this 
berth, and, as you see, Fm occupying it. There's the 



54 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 

other half, ' pointing to a strip about six inches wide. 
'Seil that and don't disturb me again. ' 

"And so saying, the man with a wart on his face 
went to sleep again. He was Abraham Lincoln, and he 
never grew any shorter afterward. We became great 
friends, and often laughed over the incident. " 

"PD A BEEN MISSED BY MYSE'F" 

The President did not consider that every soldier 
who ran away in battle, or did not stand firmly to 
receive a bayonet charge, was a coward. He was of 
opinion that self-preservation was the first law of Nature, 
but he didn't want this Statute construed too liberally 
by the troops. 

At the same time he took occasion to illustrate a 
point he wished to make by a story in connection with 
a darky who was a member of the Ninth Illinois Infantry 
Regiment. This regiment was one of those engaged at 
the capture of Fort Donelson. It behaved gallantly, 
and lost as heavily as any. 

"Upon the hurricane-deck of one of our gunboats," 
said the President in telling the story, "I saw an elderly 
darky, with a very philosophical and retrospective cast 
of countenance, squatted upon his bündle, toasting his 
shins against the chimney, and apparently plunged 
into a State of profound meditation. 

"As the negro rat her interested me, I made some 
inquiries, and found that he had really been with the 
Ninth Illinois Infantry at Donelson, and began to ask 
him some questions about the capture of the place. 

'Were you in the fight? ' 

' Had a little taste of it, sa. ' 

'Stood your ground, did you?' 

'No, sa, I runs. ' 
" 'Run at the first fire, did you?' 

'Yes, sa, and would hab run soona, had I knowd 
it war comin. " 



ANBCDOTES AND STORIES 55 

u 'Why, that wasn't very creditable to your courage.' 
"'Dat isn't in my line, sa — cookin's my profeshun.' 
"'Well, but have you no regard for your reputation?' 
"'Reputation's nufifin to me by de side ob life. ' 
'"Do you consider your life worth more than other 

people's?' 

:J"It's worth more to me, sa. ' 
"Then you must value it very highly?' 
'"Yes, sa, I does, more dan all dis wuld, more dan 

a million ob dollars, sa, for what would dat be wuth to 

a man wid de bref out ob him? Self-preserbation am 

de fust law wid me. ' 

"'But why should you act upon a different rule 

from other men?' 

" 'Different men set different values on their lives; 

mine is not in de market. ' 

"'But if you lost it you would have the satisfaction 

of knowing that you died for your country. ' 
"'Dat no satisfaction when feelin's gone. ' 
'"Then patriotism and honor are nothing to you?' 
"'Nufin whatever, sa — I regard them as among the 

vanities. ' 

'"If our soldiers were like you, traitors might have 

broken up the government without resistance. ' 

"'Yes, sa, dar would hab been no help for it. I 

wouldn't put my life in de scale 'g'inst any gobernment 

dat eber existed, for no gobernment could replace de 

loss to me. ' 

'"Do you think any of your Company would have 

missed you if you had been killed?' 

"'Maybe not, sa; a dead white man ain't much to 

dese sojers, let alone a dead nigga — but Fd a missed 

myse'f, and dat was de p'int wid me. ' 

"I only teil this story," concluded the President, 

"in order to illustrate the result of the tactics of some 

of the Union generals who would be sadly 'missed* by 

themselves, if by no one eise, if they ever got out of 

the Army. " 



5 6 ANBCDOTES AND STORiES 



LOST HIS CERTIFICATE OF CHARACTER 

Mr. Lincoln prepared his first inaugural address in 
a room over a störe in Springfield. His only reference 
works were Henry Clay's great compromise speech of 
1850, Andrew Jackson's Proclamation against Nullifica- 
tion, Webster's great reply to Hayne, and a copy of the 
Constitution. 

When Mr. Lincoln started for Washington, to be 
inaugurated, the inaugural address was placed in a 
special satchel and guarded with special care. At 
Harrisburg the satchel was given in charge of Robert 
T. Lincoln, who accompanied his father. Before the 
train started from Harrisburg the precious satchel was 
missing. Robert thought he had given it to a waiter 
at the hotel, but a long search failed to reveal the miss- 
ing satchel with its precious document. Lincoln was 
annoyed, angry, and finally in despair. He feit certain 
that the address was lost beyond recovery, and, as it 
lacked only ten days until the inauguration, he had 
no time to prepare another. He had not even pre- 
served the notes from which the original copy had been 
written. 

Mr. Lincoln went to Ward Lamon, his former law 
partner, then one of his body-guards, and informed 
him of the loss in the following words: 

"Lamon, I guess I have lost my certificate of 
moral character, written by myself. Bob has lost my 
gripsack containing my inaugural address. " 

Of course the misfortune reminded him of a story. 

"I feel," said Mr. Lincoln, "a good deal as the old 
member of the Methodist Church did when he lost his 
wife at the camp meeting, and went up to an old eider 
of the church and asked him if he could teil him where- 
abouts in h — 1 his wife was. In fact, I am in a worse 
fix than my Methodist friend, for if it were only a 
wife that were missing, mine would be sure to bob up 
somewhere. " 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES $7 



The Clerk at the hotel told Mr. Lincoln that he 
would probably find his missing satchel in the baggage- 
room. Arriving there, Mr. Lincoln saw a satchel which 
he thought was his, and it was passed out to him. His 
key fitted the lock, but alas! when it was opened the 
satchel contained only a soiled shirt, some paper collars, 
a pack of cards and a bottle of whisky. A few minutes 
later the satchel containing the inaugural address was 
found among the pile of baggage. 

The recovery of the address also reminded Mr. 
Lincoln of a story, which is thus narrated by Ward 
Lamon in his ' ' Recollections of Abraham Lincoln": 

The loss of the address and the search for it was 
the subject of a great deal of amusement. Mr. Lincoln 
said many funny things in connection with the incident. 
One of them was that he knew a fellow once who had 
saved up fifteen hundred dollars, and had placed it in 
a private banking establishment. The bank soon 
failed, and he afterward received ten per cent of his 
investment. He then took his one hundred and fifty 
dollars and deposited it in a savings bank, where he 
was sure it would be safe. In a short time this bank 
also failed, and he received at the final settlement ten 
per cent on the amount deposited. When the fifteen 
dollars was paid over to him, he held it in his hand and 
looked at it thoughtfully ; then he said, "Now, darn 
you, I have got you reduced to a portable shape, so 
I'll put you in my pocket. " Suiting the action to the 
word, Mr. Lincoln took his address from the bag and 
carefully placed it in the inside pocket of his vest, but 
held on to the satchel with as much interest as if it 
still contained his "certificate of moral character. " 

THE CASE OF BETSY ANN DOUGHERTY 

Many requests and petitions made to Mr. Lincoln 
when he was President were ludicrous and trifling, but 
he always entered into them with that humor-loving 



5 8 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 

spirit that was such a relief from the grave duties of his 
great office. 

Once a party of Southerners called on him in behalf 
of one Betsy Ann Dougherty. The spokesman, who 
was an ex-governor, said: 

"Mr. President, Betsy Ann Dougherty is a good 
woman. She lived in my county and did my washing 
for a long time. Her husband went off and joined the 
rebel army, and I wish you would give her a protec- 
tion paper. " The solemnity of this appeal Struck Mr. 
Lincoln as uncommonly ridiculous. 

The two men looked at each other — the Governor 
desperately in earnest, and the President masking his 
humor behind the gravest exterior. At last Mr. Lin- 
coln asked, with inimitable gravity, "Was Betsy Ann 
a good washerwoman? " "Oh, yes, sir, she was, indeed." 

"Was your Betsy Ann an obliging woman? " "Yes, 
she was certainly very kind," responded the Governor, 
soberly. 

"Could she do other things than wash?" continued 
Mr. Lincoln with the same portentous gravity. 

"Oh, yes; she was very kind — very." 

"Where is Betsy Ann?" 

"She is now in New York, and wants to come 
back to Missouri, but she is afraid of banishment. " 

"Is anybody meddling with her?" 

"No; but she is afraid to come back unless you 
will give her a protection paper." 

Thereupon Mr. Lincoln wrote on a visiting card 
the following: 

"Let Betsy Ann Dougherty alone as long as she 
behaves herseif. 

"A. LINCOLN." 

He handed this card to her advocate, saying, "Give 
this to Betsy Ann. " 

"But, Mr. President, couldn't you write a few words 
to the officers that would insure her protection?" 



ANECDOTES AND STORIBS 59 

"No," said Mr. Lincoln, "officers have no time 
now to read letters. Teil Betsy Ann to put a string in 
this card and hang it around her neck. When the officers 
see this, they will keep their hands off your Betsy Ann." 

"FOOLXNG" THE PEOPLE 

Lincoln was a strong believer in the virtue of deal- 
ing honestly with the people. 

"If you once forfeit the confidence of your fellow- 
citizens," he said to a caller at the White House, "you 
can never regain their respect and esteem. 

"It is true that you may fool all the people some of 
the time; you can even fool some of the people all the 
time; but you can't fool all of the people all the time." 

HER ONLY IMPERFECTION 

At one time a certain Major Hill charged Lincoln 
with making defamatory remarks regarding Mrs. Hill. 

Hill was insulting in his language to Lincoln, who 
never lost his temper. 

When he saw his chance to edge a word in, Lincoln 
denied emphatically using the language or anything like 
that attributed to him. 

He entertained, he insisted, a high regard for Mrs. 
Hill, and the only thing he knew to her discredit was 
the fact that she was Major Hill's wife. 

HE "BROKE" TO WIN 

A lawyer, who was a stranger to Mr. Lincoln, once 
expressed to General Linder the opinion that Mr. Lin- 
coln's practice of telling stories to the Jury was a waste 
of time. 

"Don't lay that flattering unction to your soul, " 
Linder answered; "Lincoln is like Tansey's horse, he 
'breaks to win\" 



c^ 



6o ANECDOTES AND STORIES 

"BAP." McNABB'S ROOSTER 

It is true that Lincoln did not drink, never swore, 
was a stranger to smoking and lived a moral life gener- 
ally, but he did like horse-racing and chicken fighting. 
New Salem, Illinois, where Lincoln was "clerking, " 
was known the neighborhood around as a "fast" town, 
and the average young man made no very desperate 
resistance when tempted to join in the drinking and 
gambling bouts. 

"Bap. " McNabb was famous for his ability in both 
the raising and the purchase of roosters of prime fight- 
ing quality, and when his birds fought the attendance 
was large. It was because of the "flunking" of one of 
"Bap.Y ' roosters that Lincoln was enabled to make a 
point when criticising McClellan's unreadiness and lack 
of energy. 

One night there was a fight on the schedule, one of 
"Bap." McNabb's birds being a contestant. "Bap." 
brought a little red rooster, whose fighting qualities 
had been well advertised for days in advance, and much 
interest was manifested in the outcome. As the result 
of these contests was generally a quarrel, in which each 
man, charging foul play, seized his victim, they chose 
Lincoln umpire, relying not only on his fairness but his 
ability to enforce his decisions. Judge Herndon, in 
his "Abraham Lincoln," says of this notable event: 

"I cannot improve on the description furnished 
me in February, 1865, by one who was present. 

"They formed a ring, and the time having arrived, 
Lincoln, with one hand on each hip and in a squatting 
Position, cried, 'Ready. ' Into the ring they toss their 
fowls, 'Bap.Y red rooster along with the rest. But no 
sooner had the little beauty discovered what was to be 
done than he dropped his tail and ran. 

"The crowd cheered, while 'Bap.' in disappoint- 
ment, picked him up and started away, losing his 
quarter (entrance fee) and carrying home his dishonored 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 61 



fowl. Once arrived at the latter place he threw his pet 
down with a feeling of indignation and chagrin. 

"The little fellow, out of sight of all rivals, mounted 
a woodpile and proudly flirting out his feathers, crowed 
with all his might. 'Bap.' looked on in disgust. 

"'Yes, you little cuss, ' he exclaimed, irreverently, 
'you're great on dress parade, but not worth a dam in 
a fight.' " 

It is said, according to Judge Herndon, that Lin- 
coln considered McClellan as "great on dress parade," 
but not so much in a fight. 

LINCOLN'S FIRST SPEECH 

Lincoln made his first speech when he was a mere 
boy, going barefoot, his trousers held up by one sus- 
pender, and his shock of hair sticking through a hole 
in the crown of his cheap straw hat. 

"Abe," in Company with Dennis Hanks, attended 
a political meeting, which was addressed by a typical 
stump Speaker — one of those loud-voiced fellows who 
shouted at the top of his voice, and waved his arms 
wildly. 

At the conclusion of the speech, which did not 
meet the views either of "Abe" or Dennis, the latter 
declared that "Abe" could make a better speech than 
that. Whereupon he got a dry-goods box and called 
on "Abe" to reply to the campaign orator. 

Lincoln threw his old straw hat on the ground, 
and, mounting the dry-goods box, delivered a speech 
which held the attention of the crowd and won him 
considerable applause. Even the campaign orator 
admitted that it was a fine speech and answered every 
point in his own "oration." 

Dennis Hanks, who thought "Abe" was about the 
greatest man that ever lived, was delighted, and he 
often told how young "Abe" got the better of the 
trained campaign Speaker. 



62 ANECDOTES AND STOR/ES 



TOO MANY PIGS FOR THE TEATS 

An applicant for a sutlership in the army relates 
this story: "In the winter of 1864, after serving three 
years in the Union Army, and being honorably dis- 
charged, I made application for the post sutlership at 
Point Lookout. My father being interested, we made 
application to Mr. Stanton, the Secretary of War. We 
obtained an audience, and were ushered into the pres- 
ence of the most pompous man I ever met. As I entered 
he waved his hand for me to stop at a given distance 
from him, and then he put these questions, viz.: 

"'Did vou serve three years in the army?' 

"'Idid, sir.' 

"'Were you honorably discharged?' 

"'I was, sir.' 

"'Let me see your discharge. ' 

"I gave it to him. He looked it over, then said: 
'Were you ever wounded?' I told him yes, at the 
battle of Williamsburg, May 5, 1861. 

"He then said: 'I think we can give this position 
to a soldier who has lost an arm or leg, he being more 
deserving;' and he then said I looked hearty and healthy 
enough to serve three years more. He would not give 
me a chance to argue my case. 

"The audience was at an end. He waved his hand 
to me. I was then dismissed from the august presence 
of the Honorable Secretary of War. 

"My father was waiting for me in the hallway, who 
saw by my countenance that I was not successful. I 
said to my father: 

"'Let us go over to Mr. Lincoln; he may give us 
more satisfaction. ' 

"He said it would do me no good, but we went 
over. Mr. Lincoln's reception room was füll of ladies 
and gentlemen w r hen we entered. 

"My turn soon came. Lincoln turned to my 
father and said: 



ANECDOTES ÄND STORIES 6 3 

"'Now, gentlemen, be pleased to be as quick as 
possible with your business, as it is growing late. ' 

"My father then stepped up to Lincoln and intro- 
duced me to him. Lincoln then said: 

"'Take a seat, gentlemen, and State your business 
as quickly as possible. ' 

"There was but one chair by Lincoln, so he motioned 
my father to sit, while I stood. My father stated the 
business to him as stated above. He then said: 

"'Have you seen Mr. Stanton?' 

"We told him yes, that he had refused. He (Mr. 
Lincoln) then said: 

'"Gentlemen, this is Mr. Stanton's business; I 
cannot interfere with him; he attends to all these matters 
and I am sorry I cannot help you. ' 

"He saw that we were disappointed, and did his 
best to revive our spirits. He succeeded well with my 
father, who was a Lincoln man, and who was a staunch 
Republican. 

"Mr. Lincoln then said: 

"'Now, gentlemen, I will teil you what it is; I 
have thousands of applications like this every day, 
but we cannot satisfy all for this reason, that these 
positions are like office seekers — there are too many pigs 
for the teats. ' 

"The ladies who were listening to the conversation 
placed their handkerchiefs to their faces and turned 
away. But the joke of 'Old Abe' put us all in a good 
humor. We then left the presence of the greatest and 
most just man who ever lived to fill the Presidential 
chair. " 

MORE PEGS THAN HOLES 

Some gentlemen were once finding fault with the 
President because certain generals were not given com- 
mands. 

"The fact is," replied President Lincoln, "I have 
got more pegs than I have.holes to put them in" 



6 4 ANECDOTES AND STOR/ES 

FEW, BUT BOISTEROUS 

Lincoln was a very quiet man, and went about his 
business in a quiet way, making the least noise possible. 
He heartily disliked those boisterous people who were 
constantly deluging him with ad vice, and shouting at 
the tops of their voices whenever they appeared at the 
White House. "These noisy people create a great 
clamor, " said he one day, in conversation with some 
personal friends, "and remind me, by the way, of a 
good story I heard out in Illinois while I was practicing, 
or trying to practice, some law there. I will say , though, 
that I practiced more law than I ever got paid for. 

"A fellow who lived just out of town, on the bank 
of a large marsh, conceived a big idea in the money- 
making line. He took it to a prominent merchant, and 
began to develop his plans and specifications. 'There 
are at least ten million frogs in that marsh near me, 
an' PH just arrest a couple of carloads of them and 
hand them over to you. You can send them to the big 
cities and make lots of money for both of us. Frogs' 
legs are great delicacies in the big towns, an' not very 
plentiful. It won't take me more'n two or three days 
to pick 'em. They make so much noise my family 
can't sleep, and by this deal, 111 get rid of a nuisance 
and gather in some cash. ' 

"The merchant agreed to the proposition, promised 
the fellow he would pay him well for the two carloads. 
Two days passed, then three, and finally two weeks 
were gone before the fellow showed up again, carry ing 
a small basket. He looked weary and 'done up,' and 
he wasn't talkative a bit. He threw the basket on the 
counter with the remark, 'There's your frogs. ' 

"'You haven't two carloads in that basket, have 
you?' inquired the merchant. 

"'No,' was the reply, 'and there ain't two carloads 
in this blasted world. ' 

"'I thought you said there w-ere at least ten millions 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 65 

of 'em in that marsh near you, according to the noise 
they made,' observed the merchant. 'Your people 
couldn't sleep because of 'em.' 

"'Well,' said the fellow, 'accordin' to the noise 
they made, there was, I thought, a hundred million of 
'em, but when I had waded and swum that there marsh 
day and night for two blessed weeks, I couldn't harvest 
but six. There's two or three left yet, an' the marsh 
is as noisy as it uster be. We haven't catched up on 
any of our lost sleep yet. Now, you can have these 
here six, an' I won't Charge you a cent fer 'em. ' 

"You can see by this little yarn," remarked the 
President, "that these boisterous people make too much 
noise in proportion to their numbers. " 

THE PRESIDENTIAL "CHIN-FLY" 

Some of Mr. Lincoln's intimate friends once called 
his attention to a certain member of his Cabinet who 
was quietly working to secure a nomination for the 
Presidency, although knowing that Mr. Lincoln was to 
be a candidate for re-election. His friends insisted 
that the Cabinet officer ought to be made to give up 
his Presidential aspirations or be removed from office. 
The Situation reminded Mr. Lincoln of a story: "My 
brother and I," he said, "were once plowing com, I 
driving the horse and he holding the plow. The horse 
was lazy, but on one occasion he rushed across the field 
so that I, with my long legs, could scarcely keep pace 
with him. On reaching the end of the furrow, I found 
an enormous chin-fly fastened upon him, and knocked 
him off. My brother asked me what I did that for. I 
told him I didn't want the old horse bitten in that way. 
'Why,' said my brother, 'that's all that made him go. ' 

Now," said Mr. Lincoln, "if Mr. has a Presidential 

chin-fly biting him, I'm not going to knock him off, if 
it will only make his department go." 



66 ANBCDOTES AND STORIES 



"WEBSTER COULDN'T HAVE DONE MORE" 

Lincoln "got even" with the Illinois Central Rail- 
road Company, in 1855, in a most substantial way, at 
the same time secured sweet revenge for an insult, 
unwarranted in every way, put upon him by one of 
the ofiicials of that Corporation. 

Lincoln and Herndon defended the Illinois Central 
Railroad in an action brought by McLean County, 
Illinois, in August, 1853, to recover taxes alleged to be 
due the county from the road. The Legislature had 
granted the road immunity from taxation, and this 
was a case intended to test the constitutionality of the 
law. The road sent a retainer fee of $250. 

In the lower court the case was decided in favor of 
the railroad. An appeal to the Supreme Court followed, 
was argued twice, and finally decided in favor of the 
road. This last decision was rendered some time in 
1855. Lincoln then went to Chicago, and presented 
the bill for legal Services. Lincoln and Herndon onlv 
asked for $2,000 more. 

The official to whom he was referred, after looking 
atthe bill, expressed great surprise. 

"Why, sir, " he exclaimed, "this is as much as 
Daniel Webster himself would have charged. Wc can- 
not allow such a claim. " 

"Why not?" asked Lincoln. 

"We could have hired first-class lawyers at that 
figure," was the response. 

"We won the case, didn't we?" queried Lincoln. 

"Certainly, " replied the official. 

"Daniel Webster, then," retorted Lincoln in no 
amiable tone, "couldn't have done more," and "Abe" 
walked out of the official' s office. 

Lincoln withdrew the bill, and started for home. 
On the way he stopped at Bloomington, where he met 
Grant Goodrich, Archibald Williams, Norman B. Judd, 
O. H. Browning, and other attorneys, who, on learning 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 67 

of his modest Charge for the valuable Services rendered 
the railroad, induced him to increase the demand to 
$5,000, and to bring suit for that sum. 

This was done at once. On the trial six lawyers 
certified that the bill was reasonable, and judgment for 
that sum went by default; the judgment was promptly 
paid, and, of course, his partner, Herndon, got "your 
half, Billy" without delay. 

LONG AND SHORT OF IT 

On the occasion of a Serenade, the President was 
called for by the crowd assembled. He appeared at 
a window with his wife (who was somewhat below 
the medium height), and made the following "brief 
remarks": 

"Here I am, and here is Mrs. Lincoln. That's the 
long and the short of it." 

'SQUIRE BAGLY'S PRECEDENT 

Mr. T. W. S. Kidd, of Springfield, says that he 
once heard a lawyer opposed to Lincoln trying to con- 
vince a jury that precedent was superior to law, and 
that custom made things legal in all cases. When Lin- 
coln arose to answer him he told the jury he would 
argue his case in the same way. 

"Old 'Squire Bagly, from Menard, came into my 
ofifice and said, c Lincoln, I want your advice as a law- 
yer. Has a man what's been elected justice of the peace 
a right to issue a marriage license ? ' I told him he had 
not; when the old 'squire threw himself back in his 
chair very indignantly, and said, 'Lincoln, I thought 
you was a lawyer. Now Bob Thomas and me had 
a bet on this thing, and we agreed to let you decide; 
but if this is your opinion I don't want it, for I know a 
thunderin ' sight better, for I have been 'squire now for 
eight years and have done it all the time\" 



68 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



TOM CORWIN'S LATEST STORY 

One of Mr. Lincoln's warm friends was Dr. Robert 
Boal, of Lacon, Illinois. Telling of a visit he paid to 
the White House soon after Mr. Lincoln's inaugura- 
tion, he said: "I found him the same Lincoln as a strug- 
gling lawyer and politician that I did in Washington as 
President of the United States, yet there was a dignity 
and self-possession about him in his high official author- 
ity. I paid him a second call in the evening. He had 
thrown off his reserve somewhat, and would walk up 
arid down the room with his hands to his sides and 
laugh at the joke he was telling, or at one that was told 
to him. I remember one story he told to me on this 
occasion. 

"Tom Corwin, of Ohio, had been down to Alexan- 
dria, Va., that day and had come back and told Lincoln 
a story which pleased him so much that he broke out 
in a hearty laugh and said: 'I must teil you Tom Cor- 
win's latest. Tom met an old man at Alexandria who 
knew George Washington, and he told Tom that George 
Washington often swore. Now, Corwin's father had 
always held the father of our country up as a faultless 
person and told his son to follow in his footsteps. 

"'"Well," said Corwin, "when I heard that George 
Washington was addicted to the vices and infirmities 
of man, I feit so relieved that I just shouted for joy' , . ,,, 

THE CABINET WAS A-SETTIN' 

Being in Washington one day. the Rev. Robert 
Collyer thought he'd take a look around. In passing 
through the grounds surrounding the White House, he 
cast a glance toward the Presidential residence, and 
was astonished to see three pairs of feet resting on the 
ledge of an open window in one of the apartments of 
the second story. The divine paused for a moment, 
calmly surveyed the unique spectacle, and then resumed 
his walk toward the War Department. Seeing a laborer 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 69 

at work not far from the Executive Mansion, Mr. Coll- 
yer asked him what it all meant. To whom did the 
feet belong, and particularly, the mammoth ones? 
"You old fool," answered the workman, "that's the 
Cabinet, which is a-settin\ an' them thar big feet be- 
longs to 'Old Abe.'" 

"MASSA LINKUM LIKE DE LORD!" 

By the Act of Emancipation President Lincoln 
built for himself forever the first place in the affections 
of the African race in this country. The love and rever- 
ence manifested for him by many of these people has, 
on some occasions, almost reached adoration. One day, 
Colonel McKaye, of New York, who had been one of a 
committee to investigate the condition of the freedmen, 
upon his return from Hilton Head and Beaufort called 
upon the President, and in the course of the interview 
said that up to the time of the arrival among them in 
the South of the Union forces they had no knowledge 
of any other power. Their masters fled upon the ap- 
proach of our soldiers, and this gave the slaves the con- 
ception of a power greater than their masters exercised. 
This power they called "Massa Linkum." 

Colonel McKaye said their place of worship was a 
large building they called "the praise house," and the 
leader of the "meeting, " a venerable black man, was 
known as "the praise man." 

On a certain day, when there was quite a large 
gathering of the people, considerable confusion was 
created by different persons attempting to teil who 
and what "Massa Linkum" was. In the midst of the 
excitement the white-headed leader commanded silence. 
"Brederen," said he, "you don't know nosen' what 
you'se talkin' 'bout. Now, you just listen to me. 
Massa Linkum, he ebery whar. He know ebery ting. " 

Then, solemnly looking up, he added: "He walk 
de earf like de Lord!" 



7 o ANECDOTES AND STORIES 

A BULLET THROUGH HIS HAT 

A soldier teils the following story of an attempt 
upon the life of Mr. Lincoln: 

1 ' One night I was doing sentinel duty at the entrance 
to the Soldiers' Home. This was about the middle of 
August, 1864. About eleven o'clock I heard a rifle 
shot, in the direction of the city, and shortly afterwards 
I heard approaching hoof-beats. In two or three min- 
utes a horse came dashing up. I recognized the belated 
President. The President was bare-headed. The Presi- 
dent simply thought his horse had taken fright at the 
discharge of the firearms. 

"On going back to the place where the shot had 
been heard, we found the President's hat. It was a 
piain silk hat, and upon examination we discovered a 
bullet hole through the crown. 

"The next day, upon receiving the hat, the President 
remarked that it was made by some foolish marksman, 
and was not intended for him; but added that he wished 
nothing said about the matter. 

"The President said, philosophically: 'I long ago 
made up my mind that if anybody wants to kill me, 
he will do it. Besides, in this case, it seems to me, the 
man who would succeed me would be just as objection- 
able to my enemies — if I have any. ' 

"One dark night, as he was going out with a friend, 
he took along a heavy cane, remarking, good-naturedly: 

"'Mother (Mrs. Lincoln) has got a notion into her 
head that I shall be assassinated, and to please her I 
take a cane when I go over to the War Department at 
night — when I don't forget it'." 

THE GENERAL WAS "HEADED IN" 

A Union general, operating with his command in 
West Virginia, allowed himself and his men to be trapped, 
and it was feared his force would be captured by the 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 71 

Confederates. The President heard the report read by 
the Operator, as it came over the wire, and remarked: 

"Once there was a man out West who was 'head- 
ing' a barrel, as they used to call it. He worked like 
a good fellow in driving down the hoops, but just about 
the time he thought he had the Job done, the head 
would fall in. Then he had to do the work all over 
again. 

4 'All at once a bright idea entered his brain, and he 
wondered how it was he hadn't figured it out before. 
His boy, a bright, smart lad, was Standing by, very 
much interested in the business, and, lifting the young 
one up, he put him inside the barrel, telling him to hold 
the head in its proper place, while he pounded down 
the hoops on the sides. This worked like a charm, and 
he soon had the 'heading' done. 

"Then he realized that his boy was inside the 
barrel, and how to get him out he couldn't for his life 
figure out. General Blank is now inside the barrel, 
'headed in,' and the Job now is to get him out." 

"MIXING" AND "MINGLING" 

An Eastern newspaper writer told how Lincoln, 
after his first nomination, received callers, the majority 
of them at his law office: 

"While talking to two or three gentlemen and 
Standing up, a very hard looking customer rolled in and 
tumbled into the only vacant chair and the one lately 
occupied by Mr. Lincoln. Mr. Lincoln's keen eye took 
in the fact, but gave no evidence of the notice. 

"Turning around at last he spoke to the odd speci- 
men, holding out his hand at such a distance that our 
friend had to vacate the chair if he accepted the prof- 
fered shake. Mr. Lincoln quietly resumed his chair. 

"It was a small matter, yet one giving proof more 
positively than a larger event of that peculiar way the 
man has of mingling with a mixed crowd. " 



72 ANBCDÖTBS AND STORIES 



WANTED TO BURN HIM DOWN TO THE STUMP 

Preston King once introduced A. J. Bleeker to the 
President, and the latter, being an applicant for office, 
was about to hand Mr. Lincoln his vouchers, when he 
was asked to read them. Bleeker had not read very 
far when the President disconcerted him by the excla- 
mation, "Stop a minute! You remind me exactly of 
the man who killed the dog; in fact, you are just like 
him." 

"In what respect?" asked Bleeker, not feeling he 
had received a compliment. 

"Well," replied the President, "this man had 
made up his mind to kill his dog, an ugly brüte, and 
proceeded to knock out his brains with a club. He con- 
tinued striking the dog after the latter was dead until 
a friend protested, exclaiming, 'You needn't strike him 
any more; the dog is dead; you killed him at the first 
blow. ' 

"'Oh, yes,' said he, 'I know that; but I believe in 
punishment after death. ' So, I see, do you. ' ' 

Bleeker acknowledged it was possible to overdo a 
good thing, and then came back at the President with 
an anecdote of a good priest who converted an Indian 
from heathenism to Christianity; the only difficulty 
he had with him was to get him to pray for his enemies. 
"This Indian had been taught to overcome and destroy 
all his friends he didn't like," said Bleeker, "but the 
priest told him that while that might be the Indian 
method, it was not the doctrine of Christianity of the 
Bible. 'Saint Paul distinctly says,' the priest told 
him, 'If thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, 
give him drink. ' 

"The Indian shook his head at this, but when the 
priest added, 'For in so doing thou shalt heap coals of 
fire on his head/ Poor Lo was overcome with emotion, 
feil on his knees, and with outstretched hands and 
uplifted eyes invoked all sorts of blessings on the heads 



ANECDOTES AND STORIBS 73 

of all his enemies, supplicating for pleasant hunting- 
grounds, a large supply of squaws, lots of pappooses and 
all other Indian comforts. 

"Finally the good priest interrupted him (as you 
did me, Mr. President), exclaiming, 'Stop, my son! 
You have discharged your Christian duty, and have 
done more than enough. ' 

"'Oh, no, father, ' replied the Indian; 'let me pray. 
I want to burn him down to the stump'!" 

CHALLENGED ALL COMERS 

Personal encounters were of frequent occurrence 
in Gentryville in early days, and the prestige of having 
thrashed an Opponent gave the victor marked social 
distinction. Green B. Taylor, with whom "Abe" 
worked the greater part of one winter on a farm, fur- 
nished an account of the noted fight between John 
Johnston, "Abe 's" step-brother, and William Grigsby, 
in which stirring drama "Abe" himself played an im- 
portant role before the curtain was rung dow r n. 

Taylor's father was the second for Johnston, and 
William Whitten officiated in a similar capacity for 
Grigsby. "They had a terrible fight," related Taylor, 
"and it soon became apparent that Grigsby was too 
much for Lincoln's man, Johnston. After they had 
fought a long time without interference, it having been 
agreed not to break the ring, 'Abe' burst through, 
caught Grigsby, threw him off and some feet away. 
There Grigsby stood, proud as Lucifer, and, swinging 
a bottle of liquor over his head, swore he was 'the big 
bück of the lick. ' 

"'If any one doubts it,' he shouted, 'he has only to 
come on and whet his horns. ' 

A general engagement followed this challenge, but 
at the end of hostilities the field was cleared and the 
wounded retired amid the exultant shouts of their 
Victors. 



74 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



WITHDREW THE COLT 

Mr. Alcott, of Elgin, 111., teils of seeing Mr. Lincoln 
Coming away from church unusually early one Sunday 
morning. ''The sermon could not have been more than 
half way through," says Mr. Alcott. "TacT was hung 
across his left arm like a pair of saddle bags, and Mr. 
Lincoln was striding along with long, deliberate Steps 
toward his home. On one of the street corners he 
encountered a group of his fellow-townsmen. Mr. Lin- 
coln anticipated the question which was about to be put 
by the group, and, taking his figure of Speech from 
practices with which they were only too familiär, said: 
'Gentlemen, I entered this colt, but he kicked around 
so I had to withdraw him.'" 

SWEET, BUT MILD REVENGE 

When the United States found that a war with 
Black Hawk could not be dodged, Governor Reynolds, 
of Illinois, issued a call for volunteers, and among the 
companies that immediately responded was one from 
Menard County, Illinois. Many of these volunteers 
were from New Salem and Clary's Grove, and Lincoln, 
being out of business, was the first to enlist. 

The Company being füll, the men held a meeting 
at Richland for the election of officers. Lincoln had 
won many hearts, and they told him that he must be 
their captain. It was an office to which he did not 
aspire, and for which he feit he had no special fitness; 
but he finally consented to be a candidate. 

There was but one other candidate, a Mr. Kirk- 
patrick, who was one of the most influential men of the 
region. Previously, Kirkpatrick had been an employer 
of Lincoln, and was so overbearing in his treatment of 
the young man that the latter left him. 

The simple mode of electing a captain adopted by 
the Company was by placing the candidates apart, and 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



75 



telling the men to go and stand with the one they pre- 
ferred. Lincoln and his competitor took their posi- 
tions, and then the word was given. At least three 
out of every four went to Lincoln at once. 

When it was seen by those who had arranged them- 
selves with the other candidate that Lincoln was the 
choice of the majority of the Company, they left their 
places, one by one, and came over to the successful 
side, tintil Lincoln's Opponent in the friendly strife 
was left standing almost alone. 

"I feit badly to see him cut so," says a witness of 
the scene. 

Here was an opportunity for revenge. The humble 
laborer was his employer's captain, but the opportunity 
was never improved. Mr. Lincoln frequently confessed 
that no subsequent success of his life had given him 
half the satisfaction that this election did. 

"CATCH 'EM AND CHEAT 'EM" 

The lawyers on the circuit traveled by Lincoln got 
together one night and tried him on the charge of 
accepting fees which tended to lower the established 
rates. It was the understood rule that a lawyer should 
accept all the client could be induced to pay. The tri- 
bunal was known as "The Ogmathorial Court." 

Ward Lamon, his law partner at the time, teils 
about it: 

"Lincoln was found guilty and fined for his awful 
crime against the pockets of his brethren of the bar. 
The fine he paid with great good humor, and then kept 
the crowd of lawyers in uproarious laughter until after 
midnight. 

"He persisted in his revolt, however, declaring 
that with his consent his firm should never during its 
life, or after its dissolution, deserve the reputation 
enjoyed by those shining lights of the profession, 
'Catch 'em and Cheat 'em.'" 



7 6 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 

A JURYMAN'S SCORN 

Lincoln had assisted in the prosecution of a man 
who had robbed his neighbor's hen roosts. Jogging 
home along the highway with the foreman of the jury 
that had convicted the hen stealer, he was complimented 
by Lincoln on the zeal and ability of the prosecution, 
and remarked: "Why, when the country was young, 
and I was stronger than I am now, I didn't mind pack- 
ing off a sheep now and again, but stealing hens!" 
The good man's scorn could not find words to express 
his opinion of a man who would steal hens. 

"TAD" INTRODÜCES "OUR FRIENDS" 

President Lincoln often avoided interviews with 
delegations representing various States, especially when 
he knew the objects of their errands, and was aware 
he could not grant their requests. This was the case 
with several commissioners from Kentucky, who were 
put off from day to day. 

They w r ere about to give up in despair, and were 
leaving the White House lobby, their Speech being 
interspersed with vehement and uncomplimentary terms 
concerning "Old Abe, " when "Tad" happened" along. 
He caught at these words, and asked one of them if 
they wanted to see "Old Abe," laughing at the same 
time. 

"Yes," hereplied. 

"Wait a minute," said "Tad," and mshed into 
his father's office. Said he, "Papa, may I introduce 
some friends toyou?" 

His father, always indulgent and ready to make 
him happy, kindly said, "Yes, my son, I will see your 
friends. " 

"Tad" went to the Kentuckians again, and asked 
a very dignified looking gentleman of the party his 
name. He was told his name. He then said, "Come, 
gentlemen," and they followed him. 



ANECDOTBS AND STORIES 77 

Leading them up to the President, "Tad," with 
much dignity, said, "Papa, let me introduce to you 

Judge , of Kentucky;" and quickly added, "Now, 

Judge, you introduce the other gentlemen." 

The introductions were gone through with, and 
they turned out to be the gentlemen Mr. Lincoln had 
been avoiding for a week. Mr. Lincoln reached for the 
boy, took him in his lap, kissed him, and told him it 
was all right, and that he had introduced his friend like 
a little gentleman as he was. Tad was eleven years old 
at this time. 

The President was pleased with Tad's diplomacy, 
and often laughed at the incident as he told others of 
it. One day while caressing the boy, he asked him 
why he called those gentlemen "his friends." "Well," 
said Tad, "I had seen them so often, and they looked 
so good and sorry, and said they were from Kentucky, 
that I thought they must be our friends." "That is 
right, my son, " said Mr. Lincoln; "I would have the 
whole human race your friends and mine, if it were 
possible." 

STOOD UP THE LONGEST 

There was a rough gallantry among the young 
people; and Lincoln's old comrades and friends in 
Indiana have left many tales of how he "went to see 
the girls;" of how he brought in the biggest back-log 
and made the brightest fire; of how the young people, 
sitting around it, watching the way the sparks flew, 
told their fortunes. 

He helped pare apples, shell com and crack nuts. 
He took the girls to meeting and to spelling school, 
though he was not often allowed to take part in the 
spelling- match, for the one who "chose first" always 
chose "Abe" Lincoln, and that was equivalent to win- 
ning, as the others knew that "he would stand up the 
longest," 



7 8 ANECDOTES ÄND STORIES 

ADMIRED THE STRONG MAN 

Governor Hoyt of Wisconsin teils a story of Mr. 
Lincoln's great admiration for physical strength. Mr. 
Lincoln, in 1859, made a Speech at the Wisconsin State 
Agricultural Fair. After the speech, in Company with 
the Governor, he strolled about the grounds, looking at 
the exhibits. They came to a place where a professional 
"strong man" was tossing cannon balls in the air and 
catching them on his arms and juggling with them as 
though they were as light as baseballs. Mr. Lincoln 
had never before seen such an exhibition, and he was 
greatly surprised and interested. 

When the Performance was over, Governor Hoyt, 
seeing Mr. Lincoln's interest, asked him to go up and 
be introduced to the athlete. He did so, and, as he 
stood looking down musingly on the man, who was very 
short, and evidently wondering that one so much smaller 
than he could be so much stronger, he suddenly broke 
out with one of his quaint Speeches. "Why, M he said, 
"why, I could lick salt off the top of your hat. M 

SAVED LINCOLN'S LIFE 

When Mr. Lincoln was quite a small boy he met 
with an accident that almost cost him his life. He was 
saved by Austin Gollaher, a young playmate. Mr. 
Gollaher lived to be more than ninety }^ears of age, 
and to the day of his death related with great pride 
his boyhood association with Lincoln. 

"Yes," Mr. Gollaher once said, ''the story that 
I once saved Abraham Lincoln's life is true. He and I 
had been going to school together for a year or more, 
and had become greatly attached to each other. Then 
school disbanded on account of there being so few 
scholars, and we did not see each other much for a 
long while. 

"One Sunday my mother visited the Lincolns, 
and I was taken' along. 'Abe' and I played around 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 79 

all day. Finally, we concluded to cross the creek to 
hunt for some partridges young Lincoln had seen the 
day before. The creek was swollen by a recent rain, 
and, in crossing on the narrow footlog, 'Abe' feil in. 
Neither of us could swim. I got a long pole and held 
it out to 'Abe,' who grabbed it. Then I pulied him 
ashore. 

"He was almost dead, and I was badly scared. I 
rolled and pounded him in good earnest. Then I got 
him by the arms and shook him, the water meanwhile 
pouring out of his mouth. By this means I succeeded 
in bringing him to, and he was soon all right. 

"Then a new difficulty confronted us. If our 
mothers discovered our wet clothes they would whip 
us. This we dreaded from experience, and determined 
to avoid. It was June, the sun was very warm, and 
we soon dried our clothing by spreading it on the rocks 
about us. We promised never to teil the story, and 
I never did until after Lincoln's tragic end. " 

WOULD BLOW THEM TO H . 



Mr. Lincoln had advised Lieutenant-General Win- 
field Scott, commanding the United States Army, of 
the threats of violence on inauguration day, 1861. 
General Scott was sick in bed at Washington when 
Adjutant-General Thomas Mather, of Illinois, called 
upon him in President-elect Lincoln's behalf, and the 
veteran Commander was much wrought up. Said he 
to General Mather: 

"Present my compliments to Mr. Lincoln when 
you return to Springfield, and teil him I expect him to 
come on to Washington as soon as he is ready; say to 
him that I will look after those Maryland and Virginia 
rangers myself. I will plant cannon at both ends of 
Pennsylvania Avenue, and if any of them show theii 
heads or raise a finger, I'll blow them to h — , " 



8o ANECDOTES AND STORIES 

"I CAN STAND IT IF THEY CAN" 

United States Senator Benjamin Wade, of Ohio> 
Henry Winter Davis, of Maryland, and Wendeil Phil- 
lips were strongly opposed to President Lincoln's re- 
election, and Wade and Davis issued a manifesto. 
Phillips made several warm Speeches against Lincoln 
and his policy. 

When asked if he had read the manifesto or any of 
Phillips' Speeches, the President replied: 

"I have not seen them, nor do I care to see them. 
I have seen enough to satisfy me that I am a failure, 
not only in the opinion of the people in rebellion, but 
of many distinguished politicians of my own party. 
But time will show whether I am right or they are 
right, and I am content to abide its decision. 

"I have enough to look after without giving much 
of my time to the consideration of the subject of who 
shall be my successor in office. The position is not an 
easy one, and the occupant, whoever he may be, for 
the next four years, will have little leisure to pluck a 
thorn or plant a rose in his own pathway. " 

It was urged that this Opposition must be embar- 
rassing to his Administration, as well as damaging to 
the party. He replied: "Yes, that is true; but our 
friends, Wade, Davis, Phillips, and others are hard to 
please. I am not capable of doing so. I cannot pleace 
them without wantonly violating not only my oath, 
but the most vital principles upon which our govern- 
ment was founded. 

"As to those who, like Wade and the rest, see fit 
to depreciate my policy and cavil at my official acts, 
I shall not complain of them. I accord them the ut- 
most freedom of Speech and liberty of the press, but 
shall not change the policy I have adopted in the füll 
belief that I am right. 

"I feel on this subject as an old Illinois farmer once 
expressed himself while eating cheese. He was inter- 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 81 

rupted in the midst of his repast by the entrance of his 
son, who exclaimed, 'Hold on, dad! there's skippers in 
that cheese you're eating!' 

" 'Never mind, Tom, ' said he, as he kept on munch- 
ing his cheese, 'if they can stand it I can\ " 

A MORTIFYING EXPERIENCE 

A lady reader or elocutionist came to Springneid in 
1857. A large crowd greeted her. Among other things 
she recited "Nothing to Wear, " a piece in which is 
described the perplexities that beset "Miss Flora Mc- 
Flimsey" in her efforts to appear fashionable. 

In the midst of one stanza in which no effort is 
made to say anything particularly amusing, and during 
the reading of which the audience manifested the most 
respectful silence and attention, some one in the rear 
seats burst out with a loud, coarse laugh, a sudden and 
explosive guffaw. 

It startled the Speaker and audience, and kindled 
a storm of unsuppressed laughter and applause. Every- 
body looked back to ascertain the cause of the demon- 
stration, and were greatly surprised to find that it was 
Mr. Lincoln. 

He blushed and squirmed with the awkward diffi- 
dence of a schoolboy. What caused him to laugh, no 
one was able to explain. He was doubtless wrapped up 
in a brown study, and recalling some amusing episode 
indulged in laughter without realizing his surroundings. 
The experience mortified him greatly. 

GRANT HELD ON ALL THE TIME 

(Dispatch to General Grant, August 17th, 1864.) 
"I have seen your dispatch expressing your un- 
willingness to break your hold where you are. Neither 
am I willing. 

"Hold on with a bulldög grip." 



82 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 

EVERY LITTLE HELPED 

As the time drew near at which Mr. Lincoln said 
he would issue the Emancipation Proclamation, some 
clergymen, who feared the President might change 
his mind, called on him to urge him to keep his promise. 

"We were ushered into the Cabinet room, " says 
Dr. Sunderland. "It was very dim, but one gas jet 
burning. As we entered, Mr. Lincoln was standing at 
the farther end of the long table, which filled the center 
of the room. As I stood by the door, I am so very 
short that I was obliged to look up to see the President. 
Mr. Robbins introduced me, and I began at once by 
saying: 'I have come, Mr. President, to anticipate 
the new year with my respects, and if I may, to say 
to you a word about the serious conditionof this country.' 

'"Go ahead, Doctor, ' replied the President; 'every 
little helps. ' But I was too much in earnest to laugh 
at his sally at my smallness. " 

KEPT UP THE ARGUMENT 

Judge T. Lyle Dickey of Illinois related that when 
the excitement over the Kansas-Nebraska bill first 
broke out, he was with Lincoln and several friends 
attending court. One evening several persons, includ- 
ing himself and Lincoln, were discussing the slavery 
question. Judge Dickey contended that slavery was 
an institution which the Constitution recognized, and 
which could not be disturbed. Lincoln argued that 
ultimately slavery must become extinct. "After a 
white," said Judge Dickey, "we went upstairs to bed. 
There were two beds in our room, and I remember 
that Lincoln sat up in his night shirt on the edge of the 
bed arguing the point with me. At last we went to 
sleep. Early in the mörning I woke up and there was 
Lincoln half sitting up in bed. 'Dickey', said he, 'I 
teil you this nation cannot exist half slave and half 
free.' 'Oh, Lincoln,' said I, *go to sleep'." 



ANECDOTES AND STOJRIES 83 

THOUGHT OF LEARNING A TRADE 

Lincoln at one time thought seriously of learning 
the blacksmith's trade. He was without means, and 
feit the immediate necessity of undertaking some busi- 
ness that would give him bread. While entertaining 
this project an event occurred which, in his undeter- 
mined State of mind, seemed to open a way to success 
in another quarter. 

Reuben Radford, keeper of a small störe in the 
village of New Salem, had incurred the displeasure of 
the "Gary Grove Boys," who exercised their "regulat- 
ing" prerogatives by irregularly breaking his Windows. 
William G. Greene, a friend of young Lincoln, riding 
by Radford's störe soon afterward, was hailed by him 
and told that he intended to seil out. Mr. Greene 
went into the störe, and offered him at random $400 
for his stock, which offer was immediately accepted. 

Lincoln "happened in" the next day, and being 
familiär with the value of the goods, Mr. Greene pro- 
posed to him to take an inventory of the stock, and see 
w r hat sort of a bargain he had made. This he did, and 
it was found that the goods were worth $600. 

Lincoln then made an offer of $125 for his bargain, 
with the proposition that he and a man named Berry, 
as his partner, take over Greene's notes given to R^adford. 
Mr. Greene agreed to the arrangement, but Radford 
declined it, except on condition that Greene would be 
their security. Greene at last assented. 

Lincoln was not afraid of the "Clary Grove Boys"; 
on the contrary, they had been his most ardent friends 
since the time he thrashed "Jack" Armstrong, champion 
bully of "The Grove" — but their custom was not 
heavy. 

The business soon became a wreck; Greene had to 
not only assist in closing it up, but pay Radford's notes 
as well. Lincoln afterwards spoke of these notes which 
he finally made good to Greene, as "the National Debt." 



84 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



THE SAME OLD RUM 

One of President Lincoln's friends, visiting at the 
White House, was finding considerable fault with the 
constant agitation in Congress of the slavery question. 
He remarked that, after the adoption of the Emanci- 
pation policy, he had hoped for something new. 

"There was a man down in Maine," said the Presi- 
dent, in reply, "who kept a grocery störe, and a lot of 
fellows used to loaf around for their toddy. He only 
gave 'em New England rum, and they drank pretty 
considerable of it. But after a while they began to get 
tired of that, and kept asking for something new — 
something new — all the time. Well, one night, when 
the whole crowd were around, the grocer brought out 
his glasses, and says he, Tve got something New for 
you to drink, boys, now. ' 

'"Honor bright?' says they. 

'"Honor bright,' says he, and with that he sets 
out a jug. 'Thar,' says he, 'that's something New; 
it's New England rum! ' says he. 

"Now," remarked the President, in conclusion, 
"I guess we're a good deal like that crowd, and Congress 
is a good deal like that store-keeper! " 

COULDN'T LET GO THE HOG 

When Governor Custer of Pennsylvania described 
the terrible butchery at the battle of Fredericksburg, 
Mr. Lincoln was almost broken-hearted. 

The Governor regretted that his description had 
so sadly affected the President. He remarked: "I 
would give all I possess to know how to rescue you 
from this terrible war." Then Mr. Lincoln's wonderful 
recuperative powers asserted themselves and this mar- 
velous man was himself. 

Lincoln's whole aspect suddenly changed, and he 
relieved his mind by telling a story. 



ANBCDOTES AND STORIES 



"This reminds me, Governor, " he said, "of an old 
farmer out in Illinois that I used to know. 

"He took it into his head to go into hog-raising. 
He sent out to Europe and imported the finest breed of 
hogs he could buy. 

"The prize hog was put in a pen, and the farmer's 
two mischievous boys, James and John, were told to be 
sure not to let it out. But James, the worst of the two, 
let the brüte out the next day. The hog went straight 
for the boys, and drove John up a tree; then the hog 
went for the seat of James' trousers, and the only way 
the boy could save himself was by holding on to the 
hog's tau. 

"The hog would not give up his hunt, nor the boy 
his hold! After they had made a good many circles 
around the tree, the boy's courage began to give out, 
and he shouted to his brother, 'I say, John, come down 
quick, and help me let go this hog!' 

"Now, Governor, that is exactly my case. I wish 
some one would come and help me to let the hog go." 

HIS KNOWLEDGE OF HUMAN NATURE 

Once, when Lincoln was pleading a case, the oppos- 
ing lawyer had all the advantage of the law; the weather 
was warm, and his Opponent, as was admissible in fron- 
tier courts, pulled off his coat and vest as he grew warm 
in the argument. 

At that time, Shirts with buttons behind were un- 
usual. Lincoln took in the Situation at once. Know- 
ing the prejudices of the primitive people against pre- 
tension of all sorts, or any affectation of superior social 
rank, arising, he said: "Gentlemen of the Jury, having 
justice on my side, I don't think you will be at all 
influenced by the gentleman's pretended knowledge of 
the law, when you see he does not even know which 
side of his shirt should be in front. " There was a gen- 
eral laugh, and Lincoln's case was won. 



86 ANECDOTBS AND STORIES 

TOOK NOTHING BUT MONEY 

During the War Congress appropriated $10,000 to 
be expended by the President in defending United 
States Marshals in cases of arrests and seizures where 
the legality of their actions was tested in the courts. 
Previously the Marshals sought the assistance of the 
Attorney-General in defending them, but when they 
found that the President had a fund for that purpose 
they sought to control the money. 

In speaking of these Marshals one day, Mr. Lincoln 
said: 

"They are like a man in Illinois, whose cabin was 
burned down, and, according to the kindly custom of 
early days in the West, his neighbors all contributed 
something to Start him again. In his case they had 
been so liberal that he soon found himself better off 
than before the fire, and he got proud. One day a 
neighbor brought him a bag of oats, but the fellow 
refused it with scorn. 

"'No,' said he, Tm not taking oats now. I take 
nothing but money'." 

CREDITOR PAID DEBTOR'S DEBT 

A certain rieh man in Springfield, Illinois, sued a 
poor attorney for $2.50, and Lincoln was asked to 
prosecute the case. Lincoln urged the creditor to let 
the matter drop, adding, "You can make nothing out 
of him, and it will cost you a good deal more than the 
debt to bring suit. " The creditor was still determined 
to have his way, and threatened to seek some other 
attorney. Lincoln then said, "Well, if you are deter- 
mined that suit should be brought, I will bring it; but 
my Charge will be $10." 

The money was paid him, and peremptory Orders 
were given that the suit be brought that day. After 
the client's departure, Lincoln went out of the office, 
returning in about an hour with an amused look on his 



ANECDOTBS AND STORIES 87 



face. Asked what pleased him, he replied, "I brought 

suit against , and then hunted him up, told him 

what I had done, handed him half of the $10, and we 
went over to the squire's office. He confessed judgment 
and paid the bill. " 

Lincoln added that he didn't see any other way 
to make things satisfactory for his client as well as the 
other. 

CONSCRIPTING DEAD MEN 

Mr. Lincoln being found fault with for making 
another ''call," said that if the country required it, he 
would continue to do so until the matter stood as de- 
scribed by a Western provost marshal, who says: 

"I listened a short time since to a butternut-clad 
individual, who succeeded in making good his escape, 
expatiate most eloquently on the rigidness with which 
the conscription was enforced south of the Tennessee 
River. His response to a question propounded by a 
Citizen ran somewhat in this wise: 

"'Do they conscript close over the river?' 

"'Stranger, I should think they did! They take 
every man who hasn't been dead more than two days!' 

"If this is correct, the Confederacy has at least a 
ghost of a chance left. " 

And of another, a Methodist minister in Kansas, 
living on a small salary, who was greatly troubled to get 
his quarterly instalment. He at last told the non-pay- 
ing trustees that he must have his money, as he was 
suffering for the necessaries of life. 

" Money !" replied the trustees; "you preach for 
money? We thought you preached for the good of 
souls!" 

" Souls !" responded the reverend; "I can't eat 
souls; and if I could it would take a thousand such as 
yours to make a meal! , \ 

"That soul is the point, sir, " said the President. 



88 ANECDOTES AND STORIES 

MAJOR ANDERSONS BAD MEMORY 

Among the men whom Captain Lincoln met in 
the Black Hawk campaign were Lieutenant-Colonel 
Zachary Taylor, Lieutenant Jefterson Davis, President 
of the Confederacy, and Lieutenant Robert Anderson, 
all of the United States Army. 

Judge Arnold, in his "Life of Abraham Lincoln," 
relates that Lincoln and Anderson did not meet again 
until some time in 1861. After Anderson had evacu- 
ated Fort Sumter, on visiting Washington, he called at 
the White House to pay his respects to the President. 
Lincoln expressed his thanks to Anderson for his con- 
duct at Fort Sumter, and then said: 

"Major, do you remember of ever meeting me 
before?" 

"No, Mr. President, I have no recollection of ever 
having had that pleasure. " 

"My memory is better than yours, " said Lincoln; 
"you mustered me into the Service of the United States 
in 1832, at Dixon's Ferry, in the Black Hawk War." 

SETTLED OUT OF COURT 

When Abe Lincoln used to be drifting around the 
country, practicing law in Fulton and Menard counties, 
Illinois, an old fellow met him going to Lewiston, riding 
a horse which, while it was a serviceable enough animal, 
was not of the kind to be truthfully called a fine saddler. 
It was a weatherbeaten nag, patient and plodding, and 
it toiled along with Abe — and Abe's books, tucked away 
in saddle-bags, lay heavy on the horse 's flank. 

"Hello, Uncle Tommy," said Abe. 

"Hello, Abe," responded Uncle Tommy. "I'm 
powerful glad to see ye, Abe, fer I'm gwyne to have 
sumthin' fer ye at Lewiston co't, I reckon. " 

"How's that, Uncle Tommy?" said Abe. 

"Well, Jim Adams, his land runs 'long o' mine, he's 



ANBCDOTES AND STORIES 89 

pesterin' me a heap, an' I got to get the law on Jim, I 
reckon. " 

"Uncle Tommy, you haven't had any fights with 
Jim, have vou?" 

"No." 

"He's a fair to middling neighbor, isn't he?" 

"Only tollable, Abe. " 

"He's been a neighbor of yours for a long time, 
hasn't he?" 

"Nigh on to fifteen year. " 

"Part of the time vou get along all right, don't 
you?" 

"I reckon we do, Abe. " 

"Well, now, Uncle Tommy, you see this horse of 
mine? He isn't as good a horse as I could straddle, 
and I sometimes get out of patience with htm, but I 
know his faults. He does fairly well as horses go, and 
it might take me a long time to get used to some other 
horse's faults. For all horses have faults. You and 
Uncle Jimmy must put up with each other, as I and 
my horse do with one another. " * 

"I reckon, Abe," said Uncle Tommy, as he bit off 
about four ounces of Missouri plug, "I reckon you're 
about right. " 

And Abe Lincoln, with a smile on his gaunt face, 
rode on toward Lewis ton. 

NO VANDERBILT 

In February, 1860, not long before his nomination 
for the Presidency, Lincoln made several Speeches in 
Eastern cities. To an Illinois acquaintance, whom he 
met at the Astor House, in New York, he said: 

"I have the cottage at Springfield, and about three 
thousand dollars in money. If they make me Vice- 
President with Seward, as some say they will, I hope I 
shall be able to increase it to twenty thousand, and that 
is as much as any man ought to want. " 



9 o ANECDOTES AND STORIES 



LINCOLN MISTAKEN FOR ONCE 

President Lincoln was compelled to acknowledge 
that he made at least one mistake in "sizing up" men. 
One day a very dignified man called at the \\ hite House, 
and Lincoln 's heart feil when his visitor approached. 
The latter was portly, his face was füll of apparent 
anxiety, and Lincoln was willing to wager a year's 
salary that he represented some Society for the Easy 
and Speedy Repression of Rebellions. 

The caller talked fluently, but at no time did he 
give advice or suggest a way to put down the Con- 
federacy. He was füll of humor, told a clever story or 
two, and was entirely self-possessed. 

At length the President inquired, "You are a 
clergyman, are you not, sir?' 1 

"Not by a jug füll," returned the stranger heartily. 

Grasping him by the hand Lincoln shook it until 
the visitor squirmed. "You must lunch with us. I am 
glad to see you. I was afraid you were a preacher. " 

"I went to the Chicago Convention," the caller 
said, "as a friend of Mr. Seward. I have watched you 
narrowly ever since your inauguration, and I called 
merely to pay m)^ respects. TVhat I want to say is 
this: I think you are doing everything for the good of 
the country that is in the power of man to do. You are 
on the right track. As one of your constituents I 
now say to you, do in future as you d — please, and I will 
support you!" 

This was spoken with tremendous effect. 

"Why," said Mr. Lincoln, in great astonishment, 
"I took you to be a preacher. I thought you had come 
here to teil me how to take Richmond," and he again 
grasped the hand of his stränge visitor. 

Accurate and penetrating as Mr. Lincoln's judg- 
ment was concerning men, for once he had been wholly 
mi staken. The scene was comical in the extreme. 
The two men stood gazing at each other. A smile 



ANECDOTES ÄND STORIES 91 

broke from the lips of the solemn wag and rippled over 
the wide expanse of his homely face like sunlight 
overspreading a continent, and Mr. Lincoln was con- 
vulsed with laughter. 

He stayed to lunch. 

"DONE WITH THE BIBLE" 

Lincoln never told a better story than this: 

A country meeting-house, that was used once a 
month, was quite a distance from any othe*r house. 

The preacher, an old-line Baptist, w~as dressed in 
coarse linen pantaloons, and shirt of the same material. 
The pants, manufactured after the old fashion, with 
baggy legs, and a Aap in the front, were made to attach 
to his frame without the aid of suspenders. 

A Single button held his shirt in position, and that 
was at the collar. He rose up in the pulpit, and with 
a loud voice announced his text thus: ''I am the Christ 
whom I shall represent today. " 

About this time a little blue lizard ran up his roomy 
pantaloons. The old preacher, not wishing to interrupt 
the steady flow of his sermon, slapped away on his leg, 
expecting to arrest the intruder, but his efforts were 
unavailing, and the little fellow kept on ascending higher 
and higher. 

Continuing the sermon, the preacher loosened the 
central button which graced the w r aistband of his panta- 
loons, and with a kick off came that easy-fitting garment. 

But, meanwhile, Mr. Lizard had passed the equa- 
torial line of the waistband, and was calmly exploring 
that part of the preacher's anatomy which lay under- 
neath the back of his shirt. 

Things were now growing interesting, but the sermon 
was still grinding on. The next movement on the 
preacher's part was for the collar button, and with one 
sweep of his arm off came the tow linen shirt. 



9 2 ANECDOTES AND STOR/ES 

The congregation sat for an instant as if dazed; at 
length one old lady in the rear part of the room rose up, 
and, glancing at the excited object in the pulpit, shouted 
at the top of her voice: "If you represent Christ, then 
Fm done with the Bible. " 

SATISFACTION TO THE SOUL 

In the far-away days when "Abe" went to school 
in Indiana, they had exercises, exhibitions and speak- 
ing-meetings in the schoolhouse or the church, and 
"Abe" was the "star. " His father was a Democrat, 
and at that time "Abe" agreed with his parent. He 
would frequently make political and other Speeches 
to the boys and explain tangled questions. 

Booneville was the county seat of Warrick county, 
situated about fifteen miles from Gentryville. Thither 
"Abe" walked to be present at the sittings of the court, 
and listened attentively to the trials and the Speeches 
of the lawyers. 

One of the trials was that of a murderer. He was 
defended by Mr. John Breckenridge, and at the conclu- 
sion of his Speech "Abe" was so enthusiastic that he 
ventured to compliment him. Breckenridge looked at 
the shabby boy, thanked him and passed on his way. 

Many years afterwards, in 1862, Breckenridge 
called on the President, and he was told, "It was the 
best speech that I, up to that time, had ever heard. 
If I could, as I then thought, make as good a Speech as 
that, my soul would be satisfied. " 

HIS TEETH CHATTERED 

During the Lincoln-Douglas debates of 1858, the 
latter accused Lincoln of having, when in Congress, 
voted against the appropriation for supplies to be sent 
the United States soldiers in Mexico. In reply, Lincon 
said: "This is a perversion of the facts. I was opposed 
to the policy of the administration in declaring war 



ANECDOTES ÄND STORIES 93 

against Mexico; but when war was declared I never 
failed to vote for the Support of any proposition looking 
to the comfort of our poor fellows who were maintain- 
ing the dignity of our flag in a war that I thought un- 
necessary and unjust." 

He gradually became more and more excited; his 
yoice thrilled and his whole frame shook. Sitting on 
the stand was O. B. Ficklin, who had served in Congress 
with Lincoln in 1847. Lincoln reached back, took 
Ficklin by the coat-collar, back of his neck, and in no 
gentle manner lifted him from his seat as if he had been 
a kitten, and roared: "Fellow-citizens, here is Ficklin, 
who was at that time in Congress with me, and he 
knows it is a lie. " 

He shook Ficklin until his teeth chattered. Fear- 
ing he would shake Ficklin's head off, Ward Lamon 
grasped Lincoln 's hand and broke his grip. 

After the speaking was over, Ficklin, who had 
w r arm personal friendship with him, said: ''Lincoln, 
you nearly shook all the Democracy out of me today. " 

PROFANITY AS A SAFETY-VALVE 

Lincoln never indulged in profanity, but confessed 
that when Lee was beaten at Malvern Hill, after seven 
days of fighting, and Richmond, but twelve miles away, 
was at McClellan's mercy, he feit very much like swear- 
ing w T hen he learned that the Union general had retired 
to Harrison's Landing. 

Lee was so confident his Opponent would not go 
to Richmond that he took his army into Maryland — 
a move he would not have made had an energetic fight- 
ing man been in McClellan's place. 

It is true McClellan followed and defeated Lee in 
the bloodiest battle of the War — Antietam — afterwards 
following him into % Virginia ; but Lincoln could not 
bring himself to forgive the generali inaction before 
Richmond. 



94 ÄNECDOTES AND STORIES 



A STAGE-COACH STORY 

The following is told by Thomas H. Nelson, of 
Terre Haute, Indiana, who was appointed minister to 
Chili by Lincoln: 

Judge Abram Hammond, afterwards Governor of 
Indiana, and myself, had arranged to go from Terre 
Haute to Indianapolis in a stage-coach. 

As we stepped in we discovered that the entire 
back seat was occupied by a long, lank individual, whose 
head seemed to protrude from one end of the coach 
and his feet from the other. He was the sole occupant 
and was sleeping soundly. Hammond slapped him 
familiarly on the Shoulder, and asked him if he had 
chartered the coach that day. 

"Certainly not," and he at once took the front 
seat, politely giving us the place of honor and comfort. 
An odd-looking fellow he was, with a twenty-five cent 
hat, without vest or cravat. Regarding him as a good 
subject for merriment, we perpetrated several jokes. 

He took them all with utmost innocence and good 
nature, and joined in the laugh, although at his own 
expense. 

After an astounding display of wordy pyrotechnics, 
the dazed and bewildered stranger asked: "What will 
be the upshot of this comet business?" 

Late in the evening we reached Indianapolis, and 
hurried to Browning's hotel, losing sight of the stranger 
altogether. 

We retired to our room to brush our clothes. In a 
few minutes I descended to the portico, and there de- 
scried our long, gloomy fellow traveler in the center of 
an admiring group of lawyers, among whom were Judges 
McLean and Huntington, Albert S. White and Richard 
W. Thompson, who seemed to be amused and interested 
in a story he was telling. I inquired of Browning, the 
landlord, who he was. "Abraham Lincoln, of Illinois, 
a member of Congress," was his response. 



ANECDOTES AND STORIES 95 

I was thunderstruck at the announcement. I 
hastened upstairs and told Hammond the startling news, 
and together we emerged from the hotel by a back door, 
and went down an alley to another house, thus avoiding 
further contact with our distinguished fellow traveler. 

Years afterward, when the President-elect was on 
his way to Washington, I was in the same hotel looking 
over the distinguished party, when a long arm reached 
to my Shoulder and a shrill voice exclaimed, ''Hello, 
Nelson! do you think, after all, the whole world is 
going to follow the darned thing off?" The words were 
my own in answer to his question in the stage-coach. 
The Speaker was Abraham Lincoln. 

SENTINEL OBEYED ORDERS 

A slight Variation of the traditional sentry story is 
related by C. C. Buel. It was a cold, blusterous winter 
night. Says Mr. Buel: 

"Mr. Lincoln emerged from the front door, his 
lank figure bent over as he drew tightly about his 
Shoulders the shawl which he employed for such pro- 
tection; for he was on his way to the War Department, 
at the west corner of the grounds, where in times cf 
battle he was wont to get the midnight dispatches from 
the field. As the blast Struck him he thought of the 
numbness of the pacing sentry, and, turning to him, 
said: 'Young man, you've got a cold job tonight; 
step inside, and stand guard there. ' 

"My orders keep me out here,' the soldier replied. 

"'Yes,' said the President, in his argumentative 
tone; 'but your duty can be performed just as well 
inside as out here, and you'll oblige me by going in. ' 

"I have been stationed outside,' the soldier an- 
swered, and resumed his beat. 

'"Hold on there P said Mr. Lincoln, as he turned 
back again; 'it occurs to me that I am Commander-in- 
Chief of the army, and I order you to go inside^" 



9 6 ANECDOTES AND STOR1ES 



"WUZ GOIN' TER BE ^HITCHED' " 

"Abe's" nephew — or one of them — related a story 
in connection with Lincoln's first love (Anne Rutledge), 
and his subsequent marriage to Miss Mary Todd. This 
nephew was a piain, every-day f armer, and thought 
everything of his uncle, whose greatness he quite thor- 
oughly appreciated, although he did not pose to any 
extreme as the relative of a President of the United States. 

Said he one day, in telling his story: 

"Us child'en, w'en we heerd Uncle 'Abe' wuz 
a-goin' to be married, axed Gran'ma ef Uncle 'Abe' 
never hed a gal afore, an' she says, sez she, 'Well, "Abe" 
wuz never a han' nohow to run 'round visitin ' much, or 
go with the gals, neither, but he did fall in love w T ith a 
Anne Rutledge, who lived out near Springfield, an' after 
she died he'd come home an' ev'ry time he'd talk 'bout 
her, he cried dreadful. He never could talk of her no- 
how 'thout he'd jes' cry an' cry, like a young feller. ' 

" Onct he toi' Gran'ma they wuz goin ; ter be hitched, 
they havin' promised each other, an' thet is all w r e ever 
heered 'bout it. But, so it wuz, that arter Uncle 'Abe' 
hed got over his mournin', he wuz married ter a woman 
w'ich hed lived down in Kentuck. 

" Uncle 'Abe' hisself toi' us he wuz married the nex' 
time he come up ter our place, an' w'en we ast him 
why he didn't bring his wife up to see us, he said: 'She's 
very busy and can't come. ' 

"But we knowed better'n that. He wuz too proud 
to bring her up, 'cause nothin' would suit her, nohow. 
She wuzn't raised the way we wuz, an' wuz different 
from us, and we heerd, tu, she wuz as proud as cud be. 

"No, an' he never brought none uv the child'en, 
neither. 

"But then, Uncle 'Abe,' he wuzn't to blame. We 
never thought he wuz stuck up. " 



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